Tonight I ate Popcorners for dinner. I just couldn’t make an another decision and they were sitting in front of my face as I stared into the pantry for the fifth time trying to decide what to have for dinner. This has been most nights lately, where I have no idea what I’m going to have until I finally have it.
Since I lost my husband almost 8 months ago, every decision has fallen on me. From the big decisions to the decisions as little as making dinner for myself, and it feels like sometimes I can’t do it anymore. I find myself asking out loud to Jonathan, should I do this or should I do that? Should I wear this shirt or should I wear that shirt? Should I put my hair in a braid today or should I put it in a bun? Should I put foot pajamas on our son tonight or just socks with shirt and pants pajamas? Where should I take the car in for an oil change, a quick place or the place where we have the big car problems fixed? What electric company should I get to replace our electric panel?
It’s all on me. Some days I just don’t know how I can make another choice. Indecisiveness is something I’ve always struggled with because of my anxiety disorders. Jonathan was always there to help me figure it out, never telling me what to do but helping me see all the sides and come to an answer together. And that’s one of the things I miss most, is having a partner to bounce ideas off of about our lives. Because I can ask for advice from friends and family, but they’re not living this life and so they won’t know the right answer.
Jonathan always knew the right answer. And after almost eight months, I wish that the decisions were getting easier, but I actually think I’m just getting more worn out. I wish I knew the answer to how to fix this, but I’m alone. And I don’t think there is fixing this. There’s nothing really that gets fixed in grief.
About Cassie Dockter-Reeves
Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.
Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.
She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.
You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr