Since my husband died, the so-called “magic” of Christmas has been absent from my life. It is hard to create new traditions for your family while remembering the ones not there. When my husband passed away; my kids were 10, 12, and 13, so I concentrated on them. I tried to make sure that they had some good holiday memories and that we created some new traditions. I avoided any of the “dealing with grief at the holidays” programs at my church and in my community. I had to be strong for my children, and I feared if I allowed myself to cry I was never going to stop.
I feel as if I have been in crisis mode for 13 years with all I’ve had to do to ensure we all survived and had food on the table. This year, my daughter saw that our church was offering a service on dealing with grief during the holidays and suggested we go. I will be honest: if it were me, I would have avoided it, but she is smart and phrased it like she could benefit from this too (and she could) and by doing so pushed me to go and take her. We went and sat at a table with lovely women who were just beginning their grief journey. We were able to listen to them and share our story of how we made it 13 years and how proud I was of them for dealing with the grief at the start of their journey.
I did get teary, but I did not sob (which I was afraid of), and it helped. I felt like I was in a room of people who understood my sadness and that comforted me. We had people there who had journeyed through grief and found new happiness on the other end of that journey. I even met a gentleman whose wife was terminal, and I was so inspired by him accepting that and taking a moment to get himself in a better mindset.
I can tell you honestly, do not wait 13 years to find a place to connect with others walking on similar journeys. No matter where it is. Church, hospital, or hospice. Go and learn from others’ and take comfort in knowing you are not alone. Being a widow is a club no one wants to be a part of, and it can be so lonely at times but it does not have to mean you are alone. I regret taking so long to be a part of this healing. We plan to attend our church’s candlelight service to remember those we miss this holiday. I will continue attending these every year to heal myself more and offer others an understanding smile and hug.
I understand crisis mode. When you have children, you think of them, not yourself, but taking a moment for yourself is ok. I honestly did not want to move on from my husband. He was my first boyfriend, love, and everything he loved me with everything he had. It seemed like a dishonor to try and move on without him; he would want me to live every day to the fullest.
Moving forward is hard, but the ones we lost would want us to live for them and enjoy the things they did not get to enjoy. So we will do the remembrance service, then go get a peppermint milkshake and see Christmas lights while singing songs at the top of our lungs (a tradition we started after my husband died) and in 2025, we will grieve and grow and experience every amazing thing we can and live in a way when we finally see him again he will hug us and tell us how proud he is that we lived well.
About Cindy Schriver
In 2011, Cindy lost her husband of 16 years to a rare form of cancer after a
long and hard-fought battle. Left behind in the whirlwind of grief with three
adolescent children, Cindy had to learn to find herself again and how to
help herself and her children through the journey of grief. Knowing she had
to become the sole provider for her family, Cindy returned to college at 38,
earning a bachelor’s degree in Communications and a master’s degree in
Adult Education. Cindy is currently pursuing her Doctorate and is constantly
looking for new experiences.