Everyone says in grief, you lose people. But the truth is, I think you lose people that you never really had. I think it clears the weeds from your garden.
It is shocking how true this is though. People that you didn’t think would show up, show up; the ones that you thought would maybe show up still don’t. I find that mostly the ones that have always shown up are the ones that continue to show up, even if it’s been distance or time. If they showed up for you in the past, they’ll show up again.
Protect your peace. Don’t let the people that never showed up in your grief show up after the worst parts of your life, expecting everything to be the way it was before. It clearly wasn’t healthy before and things are different now. Grief makes you different. It opens your eyes in ways you could never see before. It makes things real. Life isn’t the way it was before loss, it will never be the same. I will never be the same.
Jonathan was my peace. And I’ve been working to create a new peace ever since he passed. Because all that matters now is who I let into my life and my son‘s life and how they will treat us and the way they speak of us even when we’re not there. The rest of the people, they don’t deserve us. Jonathan deserved us. And we deserved him. And he chose us over and over and over again. His true north, me and his boys. And he was mine. And this is our new reality now and I hate it and it’s opened my eyes. And I’m finally starting to find my peace again. With Jonathan still in it, just in a different way. And I’m hoping this holiday season is only that, peaceful.
About Cassie Dockter-Reeves
Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.
Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.
She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.
You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr