Today has been a very griefy day. I felt very alone as a parent. My son’s babysitter is sick and I asked the only other options I had if they could watch him and they couldn’t, so I had to call into work for the morning. And it is just so very clear that it will always be me that has to sacrifice my paid time off and my career to take care of my son. And I don’t care because he’ll always come first, but it just felt so lonely.
Also contributing to the grief was that it was a day of great joy. I’ve had a hard time saying that I could feel great joy, but today was just one and it felt good. And that made me so sad at the same time. Because Jonathan wasn’t here to enjoy how amazing our son is and how happy he was all day today. It was a day of quality time and laughter and cuddles and reading and playing and just enjoying one another. And then I get so sad that Jonathan never got to see this part of Everest and that Everest will never get to enjoy days like this with his dada.
It’s true what they say, grief is always present, even in the happy moments. It’s always present no matter what. And that’s both incredibly hard, and incredibly comforting. Because that means no matter what, Jonathan will always be present with us even if it’s not physical. He’s always going to be here.
Sometimes a griefy day isn’t a bad one. It just reminds you to be present and that there is great love.
About Cassie Dockter-Reeves
Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.
Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.
She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.
You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr