“I just want my friend back.”

If anyone is familiar with the R&B artist MusiqSoulChild, you know exactly where the title of this piece comes from. MusiqSoulChild is an artist kind of low on the totem pole of fame, but a very highly talented lyricist and performer. He rewrote the song “Half Crazy” and made it his own. The song is about a man who becomes romantically involved with his female best friend, which ultimately ruins their friendship. The line “I just want my friend back” hits differently for me. But I am not here to give you an education on R&B music and MusiqSoulChild. I am just explaining where I got the title of this piece.

Now for the why…

I am 10 years into this widow’s journey.  I think that’s important to know.

I miss my friend.

I just want my friend back. 

That particular line from the song hit chords within me when Tony first started having brain issues stemming from his chronic kidney failure. At some points, he would suddenly retreat within himself and not speak or interact with anyone for days. He was fully physically conscious, but it seemed like there was nothing at all going on.  ( It always seemed to happen to him after he was sedated from some procedure or another.) When he retreated like that, it gave voice to my fear that one day he just would not come back. Then just as suddenly, he would be talking, smiling his bazillion watt smile, and calling me Babe again. 

I was also so happy and grateful when he pulled himself out of it.  

After all, my friend was back.

Tony and I became friends after we started our romantic relationship. I’ve heard that it’s the other way around for most people. When we met, I thought he was sweet and sexy. So I was perfectly happy going on dates with him. After we said our first I love you’s, we realized how much we just plain LIKED each other. We were always a little backwards when we did things.

Once the romance part of our relationship took off, we then began to learn what was real and true about each other. This was the best part of US…how well we knew each other.  We had similar goals and dreams. Our ideas about most things just meshed.  We also both hated the same things. He and I were finishing each other’s sentences much earlier in our relationship, too.  I was frankly a little scared of how much I not only loved him but sincerely liked him as a kindred soul. 

He was an expressive and enthusiastic talker. He told me everything about everything every day. I loved that. He’d talk for hours, so I always knew everything he had said or done that day. On the other side of the coin, he knew I would never admit to him when something bothered me, so like any great friend, he’d drag whatever was out of me. Then he would give me some great advice. I’d roll my eyes at times, but ultimately, I knew he was right. Most of the time, darn him. 

My husband was a big man, both physically and intellectually, but that never stopped me from wanting to protect him, too. From ANYONE who messed with him. I could see past the tough exterior into his soft, nougaty center. So I protected him as fiercely as I could. At first, he thought that was hilarious, but when he got a good look at the “angry squirrel,” it stopped being so funny and made him proud to have me.

He protected me just as well, if not more. Anytime someone would upset me or make me cry, he would get so intense I would have to talk him out of beating someone down. No one messed with me – his friend and his love. Ever. If “angry squirrel” was scary, picture an angry bear. That’s what those fools got!  I miss that. I always felt so loved and protected with him. That is a friend. 

Wow, I miss my friend. I want my friend back. 

We both had our own friendship circles. But Tony was my best and my greatest friend. No matter how many arguments we had, we always came back together as though nothing had happened.  Like best friends would do.

We understood each other like no one else could. I treasure that.

When he died, I was lost. I had to say goodbye my love, the father of our boys, my protection, but I had also lost my bestie with whom I had shared everything. I think that was the largest cause of my pain. True friends are so hard to find. Most friendships ebb and flow. Some last for a few short moments. Others a lifetime. I never expected to find such a wonderful person to share my everything with, let alone lose that person just when things were starting to get good. 

I know my Tony is still with me, protecting me, loving me, watching out for me, nudging and advising me. That is the only way I can wrap my head around some things that have happened since he died. Knowing this is not stopping me from missing that little extra something something I had when he was here on the same plane as I am. That’s just how it is. It took me too long to find him and our special friendship for me to ever forget it.

I still want my friend back, but I also know that we will be Friends Forever no matter where we are.

 

About 

Cheryl Barnes was born in Atlanta, Georgia and after several moves with her family, settled in Indianapolis, Indiana. She attended college at Indiana University Bloomington, majoring in Public and Environmental Affairs Management. While she attended college, she laid eyes on Martin “Tony” Barnes and was completely lost. They became inseparable and were married on December 24th, 1991. After five years of marriage, their first son, Malcolm, was born on New Year’s Eve, 1991. After Tony obtained his Master’s Degree in Social Work, the family moved to Orlando, Florida. Tony worked as a counselor, while Cheryl got her dream job working at Walt Disney World. Two years later, their second son, Miles, was born in July 2004. Cheryl left Disney and took a job in accounting at a property management company. Everything seemed to be going well for the family and Cheryl made plans to attend nursing school. However, in July 2011, Tony was diagnosed with end stage renal failure caused by lupus. For the next three years, Cheryl cared for her husband while taking care of the boys and working. Tony’s health deteriorated as a result of several complications until he passed away on August 29, 2014. Thus began her new journey as a widow and solo parent.
Cheryl was devastated at the loss of her beloved Tony, but continued to work and care for their sons as she had before. As a way to work through her grief, she started writing, at first, only for herself. But, being encouraged by others, she began publishing her blog, “Widowness and Light.” Along with writing and being involved with several widows groups on Facebook while raising her boys, she works as a training bookkeeper at an association management company.
She plans to go back to school and obtain a Master’s in Social Work so that she can help other widowed persons cope with their losses. She is also working on a book about her grief journey.
Her hobbies are reading, attending Orlando Magic games, yoga, going to the beach, and just chilling with her boys.
Additionally, she is also the founder of Black and Widowed: A Unique Journey, a Private Facebook group and a contributing author of the book, Widowed But Not Wounded: The Hustle and Flow of 13 Resilient Black Widowed Women.
You can also reach Cheryl through her public Facebook page, Widowness and Light, which is based on her widowed journey.

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Cheryl Barnes

Cheryl Barnes was born in Atlanta, Georgia and after several moves with her family, settled in Indianapolis, Indiana. She attended college at Indiana University Bloomington, majoring in Public and Environmental Affairs Management. While she attended college, she laid eyes on Martin “Tony” Barnes and was completely lost. They became inseparable and were married on December 24th, 1991. After five years of marriage, their first son, Malcolm, was born on New Year’s Eve, 1991. After Tony obtained his Master’s Degree in Social Work, the family moved to Orlando, Florida. Tony worked as a counselor, while Cheryl got her dream job working at Walt Disney World. Two years later, their second son, Miles, was born in July 2004. Cheryl left Disney and took a job in accounting at a property management company. Everything seemed to be going well for the family and Cheryl made plans to attend nursing school. However, in July 2011, Tony was diagnosed with end stage renal failure caused by lupus. For the next three years, Cheryl cared for her husband while taking care of the boys and working. Tony’s health deteriorated as a result of several complications until he passed away on August 29, 2014. Thus began her new journey as a widow and solo parent. Cheryl was devastated at the loss of her beloved Tony, but continued to work and care for their sons as she had before. As a way to work through her grief, she started writing, at first, only for herself. But, being encouraged by others, she began publishing her blog, “Widowness and Light.” Along with writing and being involved with several widows groups on Facebook while raising her boys, she works as a training bookkeeper at an association management company. She plans to go back to school and obtain a Master’s in Social Work so that she can help other widowed persons cope with their losses. She is also working on a book about her grief journey. Her hobbies are reading, attending Orlando Magic games, yoga, going to the beach, and just chilling with her boys. Additionally, she is also the founder of Black and Widowed: A Unique Journey, a Private Facebook group and a contributing author of the book, Widowed But Not Wounded: The Hustle and Flow of 13 Resilient Black Widowed Women. You can also reach Cheryl through her public Facebook page, Widowness and Light, which is based on her widowed journey.

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