In the eight years since Rick’s been gone, I’ve tried dating and managed to find three men who were potential partners. Yet, here I sit alone again, mulling over what went wrong with each budding relationship. One moved out of town for work. One returned to his ex-wife. The third is an on-again, off-again relationship that has gone on for nearly five years.
This man I’ve been seeing is understanding about me being a widow and isn’t jealous of my memories of Rick. In fact, he has pointed out on more than one occasion that I mention how like Rick he is in many respects – both super intelligent, liberal, creative, and with similar taste in music. But I just don’t feel like he’s my “forever man,” and I keep shying away from making any kind of commitment.
A friend said I’m too picky. She said, “You’ll never find another Rick.” She’s right. I know I won’t. I didn’t think I was trying to. But maybe I am. Maybe I feel deep down that he was my one true love and that I don’t want to settle for less than the love we shared. In fact, maybe I’m selfish to think that I can have two great loves. In any event, I composed this poem with that in mind.
ONE GREAT LOVE
I had my one great love
How dare I ask for two
I’ll be content remembering
The time I spent with you
The dating scene is awfully bleak
I’ve given it a try
I’ve pondered why it’s difficult
But think that I know why
I’m pretty sure the deck is stacked
Against each hapless man
They never even stand a chance
When trying to win my hand
They’re battling with your memory
So they’ll lose right from the start
No matter how polite or fun
They’ll never win my heart
I think back to our own first date
You and I were meant to be
And for the next two decades
You proved your love for me
Perhaps I’m being selfish
Trying for my chapter two
There’s one thing that I know for sure
No man compares to you
About Katherine Billings-Palmer
On August 13, 2017, I lost the love of my life. Rick Palmer and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary one month before he died at age 63 of complications from treatments for small cell lung cancer. He was my partner and soulmate, the love I had been looking for and finally found at age 40.
Rick was a talented writer and web designer and, in 2002, we began our own web and print design business. We worked together building the business and enjoyed traveling, writing, and playing together. Our dream was to spend our golden years together doing more of the same, but in the ten months from diagnosis to death, that dream shattered.
After Rick’s death, I quickly realized that the enormity of his loss was too much for me to handle on my own, so I began grief therapy. I also began writing through my grief in a journal of feelings, thoughts, memories, and poetry. As I navigate my new life alone, I share my journey and my efforts towards creating my “new normal” on my personal blog: The Writing Widow. I’m also on Instagram, Blue Sky, and Facebook.
I've published three books about my grief journey: my poetry book, I Wanted to Grow Old With You: A Widow's First Year of Grief in Poetry, and two books of poetry and prose - A Widow's Words: Grief, Reflection, Prose, and Poetry - The First Year" and A Widow's Words, Year Two: Grief, Reflection, Prose, Poetry, and Hope."
I also published a memoir: "My Story: A Memoir in Poetry and Prose." All my books are available in ebook and print versions on Amazon.com.