2 years since Tommy died

When I was a newer widow, I heard from some other widows that their 2nd year was harder than their 1st.  Maybe you’ve heard this too.  I’m happy to tell y’all, that isn’t always the case!  For me, the 2nd year had a lot more joy, more trust, more moving forward.  It was easier to get thru the holidays, and even the 2nd year mark, which was the day before I wrote this.

Maybe it was Grief Share, or the therapy, or the grief groups, but some how, I did a LOT of healing over the last year.  I thnk that God really did heal my heart a year ago in February, and I feel lighter most days.  I’m feel ready to move forward, ready to take on the next part of my life, whatever it is that God has planned!  So I wanted to share with y’all five things that have helped me at the deepest, darkest part of my grief.  I share with the hope that these may help you too, at least some of you!

Let me preface all of this by saying, God gets all the credit here.  He brought each of these things into my life in the exact moment that He knew I needed them!

Grief Share is the first thing I want to recommend.  Tommy’s social worker from hospice recommended that I try it, and it was just what I needed, shortly after he died.  Starting it within a few weeks of his death was really good timing, as I was able to process more of what I was hearing and reading about during each session.  Shared from a faith based mindset, there are 13 sessions in total for the group, and if you can’t attend them all, at least sign up for the Grieving over the Holidays session.  It really does help!  It also led me to a few really wonderful folks, both widows and others grieving as well.

My grief share leaders, from my church, Northwest Bible Church, are wonderful, compassionate folks who are their own grief journey as well as volunteering to lead Grief Share.  They made me feel welcomed, seen, loved.  They became my friends and still are to this day!  After just 2 meetings there, I decided to attend the services at the church because I thought, if others at this church are like these folks then this is where I want to be!  And they are, which brings me to my 2nd point.

Find a good church for you, if you haven’t already.  God definitely led me to mine thru Grief Sh1are, and I knew it was the right place for me from the first service on!  Being back in the prescense of my church family, and back in church again brought so much comfort!  In a HUGE church, the people I have met and connected with have somehow made it feel a little smaller.  They have supported us by praying with and for us, they have helped us financially when we’ve needed it, the support us spiritually, and make us feel at home in the church.  When you find the right church for you, you will find that connection to God that you need to get thru day by day.  He will carry you through the hard times, just as He has carried me!  He loves you so very much, and He wants to be there to help strengthen you as well.

Thirdly, I remind y’all of 1 Corinthians 15:35-58.  Paul is talking about how our earthly bodies stay behind when we die.  Verse 53 says “For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.  When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true:  ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory.’  ‘Where, O death, is your victory?  Where, O death, is your sting’.”  That, that is our ultimate HOPE sisters!  The best is yet to come!!  For those of us who profess faith in Jesus, His life, death, and resurrection, the very BEST is YET to come!  And soon, as Revelation 1:1 says “What will SOON take place!”  While we do not know the day or time, we know it is inevitable, and we wait, WITH ANTICIPATION!!  We will join our Father, and our husbands who are there, some day, in immortal bodies!  Oh how I long for the day!  So then, Paul goes on to encourage the believers to “stand firm”.  I encourgage you also my sisters, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  We know the ending, God wins!!

The fourth thing is to find a community of other widows to become a part of!  I have joined Hope for Widows, Never Alone Widows, and even started a Facebook group called Texas Widows and Widowers, which is at around 1600+ members since its beginning in March!  These folks will become like family to you, they will be the ones you call at midnight when you’re on your knees sobbing.  They will be the ones to help you pick up the pieces as you get thru each day.  They will even replace some who will wander away during that first year when we lose so much support.  Find a group that meets in person, because we need that kind of connection.

I’ve been blessed to attend 2 annual conferences with Never Alone Widows.  This last one in February, on the very first day, we heard a message from Rachael Faulkner Brown, the executive director.  She talked to us about going thru the famine of widowhood, about which she said “famine in widowhood is missing what isn’t there.”  And I know we all get what she means by that.  So, her advice to us was simple and will be my last point here:  GLEAN, STAY, and PLANT.

In Deuteronomy 24, the Israelites were commanded not to GLEAN to the edges of their fields, that they were to be left for the alien, the widow, and the fatherless.  This was the way that God intended to care for those people, and it was the farmers responsibility to leave behind the edges of the field, the remaining olives on the branch, the last of each crop.  So we too, must GLEAN, wherever God puts us, and sometimes that means allowing others to help us.  GLEAN what is needed from those who offer it.

Genesis 26 tells the story of Isaac and Abimelech and the famine that had taken over the land.  Yet, the LORD appeared to Isaac and told him not to go to Egypt, but to STAY and live where God told him to live.  He’s been telling me the same thing, to STAY and I will bless you, in the same way that I blessed Isaac.  I have continued to STAY, long past when I wanted to, even when it has been hard, because that is what God has told me to do!  Staying is remaining in God’s prescense.

I also need to PLANT.  This year has been full of planting seeds in different areas of my life, and when I PLANT, I’m saying I choose to believe in the harvest that God will supply for me!  I am only responsible for my obedience to Him in planting where He leads me, and allowing Him to produce the harvest.  He will keep on supplying the MANNA I need every day.  I’m sure y’all remember what manna was, the food that God provided for the Israelites after they left Egypt.  Every morning, they would go out and gather what their family needed for the day.  They couldn’t take more than that, with the exception of the day before the Sabbath, because it would be bad by the next morning.  God was teaching them that they needed to rely on Him to supply their daily needs.  When I PLANT and allow God to produce the harvest, He will provide what I need, for each and every day, my manna for that day.

So take faith, my sisters!  If you are still early in your grief journey, have faith that you will get thru the valley too.  God will be with you and will bring into your life what you need to make it.  It may be Grief Share, or therapy, or a grief group.  It may be a Facebook group that helps you on those hard days.  Your church will be there for you too.  Find what works for you, so that you keep getting up every day, putting one foot in front of the other, and trudging on as best you can.  The last two years without my love have been hard, but God has brought me thru them as He will for you.  Keep on trusting Him.

The song I want to leave you with this month is from TobyMac, who lost his son at age 21, so he knows grief, too.  His song “Faithfully” was written after that tragic event.  I encourage you to listen to the whole song, and I pray it brings you comfort too.

“When my world broke into pieces, You were there faithfully.  When I cried out to you Jesus, you made a way for me.  I may never be the same man, but I’m a man who still believes.  When I cried out to you Jesus, you were there faithfully.”