Dear New Widow,
I am so sorry that this loss of your husband has happened. I am sorry for all the pain and all the many long days ahead for you. I am sorry that life involves losing those closest to us and being forced to continue on in life alone instead of hand in hand. Words don’t do justice to just how hard that truly is and how horrible it feels. There is so much I could share, but I will stick with a few thoughts from my own grief. The grief process will be unique and special for you because you are unique and special and so was your relationship, but there are common truths to all grief journeys that might help you to be aware of.
First, processing grief takes a lot longer than many expect. For many people it averages about three years, with the second year often being harder than the first in some ways. Even after the grief waves and intense pain subside, you never really feel the same as you were before the loss. You may feel like some parts of your life even died right along with your husband. But, you indeed will laugh again, you will smile again and you will find moments of comfort, joy and peace in the midst of the pain. You will learn that it is indeed possible that you can be both desperately sad and longing for your husband at the same time feeling gratitude for the good still in your life and the marriage you once shared together.
Having that bond of marriage, losing that relationship and being tossed about by the waves of grieving the loss can’t help but shape you and change you. Early on you may have an intense longing to be with your husband that feels like physical pain, longing or aching. You may so desperately want to be with your spouse again that it becomes hard to lift your head above the depths of despair and depression. There is no shame in getting extra help to stay afloat like anti-depressant medication or counseling.
In the early months and even years, you will be surrounded by triggers. Like live-wires, your emotions and nervous system feel a sort of emotional throbbing or jolt that often leads to crying which at times will probably be uncontrollable and likely at inconvenient times (like while you are strolling through a department store or at some community event). Common triggers: His possessions, smells, his favorite or your favorite things as a couple, places you went together, his family, driving by the hospital where he received care, his family, his workplace, his friends, seeing his car never leave the driveway, certain songs (or in my case all music in general), clothes, food, smells and more. Be prepared to be bothered incredibly by just about everything early on and be prepared to cry.
Lots of tears are a hallmark of deep grief. Be they public or private, loud of quiet, tears will come and with that sometimes comes a brief relief and a moment to catch your breath between grief waves. Studies show tears cried in grief contain a different chemical composition and look different under a microscope than those in joy, or laughter, or cutting onions etc. Tears of heartache leave your body carrying stress hormones with them that are necessary to bring your body back into a calmer and more regulated state. Crying can be very exhausting (so don’t forget to drink lots of water on an extra teary day) yet it is God’s design for coping with the most painful of life experiences. You do not ever have to apologize for crying.
And speaking of God, if you are a person of faith, be prepared for the possibility of feeling like all you can do on some days is just white knuckle cling tightly to that faith when you are pelted by heartbreak. It won’t always feel this hard. Be honest with God. If you are mad, afraid or you don’t understand, tell Him, but whatever you do, don’t give up on that faith. He really is the hope for a widow even when it feels like all hope is lost.
You probably will feel like grief is never going to end. On the hard days you may feel lost in a dark cave with no glimpse of light, but eventually, believe it or not, the raw pain will ease and change. Tears do diminish and the triggering subsides a great deal. But after all the mess has cleared and has been processed through, you will have something new on the other side. It will not be a return to life as you knew it. The “new normal” will take significant adjusting to, But with a lot of effort and patience and grace for yourself and the healing hand of God, your new life can still be a different version of a good life.
Beware of the temptation to cope with the pain of a recent loss with destructive habits—like rushing back into new relationships or remarriage, over shopping for a little natural high, overeating comfort foods or sweets, and attempts to numb with alcohol or drugs or binge on TV. In the end these things just make you feel worse and some can be risky or dangerous, not just to yourself, but to others.
Sometimes the pain is so intense you just want to run away or make a huge decision and leave town or buy and new house or make a huge purchase to try to escape or start a new life somewhere else. They say it is best to wait at least one year to make big decisions when you brain is thinking more clearly if possible .
Expect your brain to be cloudy, overwhelmed, forgetful and difficult to focus. Neurological research supports that the term “widow brain” is actually a very real thing. Studies have shown the brain before loss looks different in imaging studies compared to the neurological changes observed in grief. Your body is adjusting to a majorly traumatic event which impacts your entire body and can really set back your nervous system. Thankfully widow brain is not a permanent experience and tends to let up after the first year if not sooner.
There likely will be times when you experience the challenging adjustment to no longer holding a physical intimate connection and ongoing relationship with your spouse. This could involve physical ache, yearning, unsettledness, uneasiness. Busying yourself with creative endeavors, volunteerism or hobbies may help. So can walks, journaling and avoiding books, movies or situations that may stir longing and sorrow for that aspect of marriage in which you can no longer experience.
Prioritizing sleep, eating even if you are not hungry, and staying connected to supportive people that bring you the comfort and unconditional love and compassion that you need are also essential. Give yourself permission to say no to anything you may be asked to do or attend that you simply aren’t ready to do. You are more than allowed to care for yourself as top priority during this time without any need for guilt or people pleasing.
You will get through this. There is hope for the widow and there is a God who cares deeply for the orphans and widows of the world and he cares for you.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.
Psalm 68:5
In Hope & Prayers From This Widow Mama
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