grief journeyIt’s the beginning of my eighth week of isolation – quarantining during the coronavirus pandemic. It’s a beautiful sunny day in Michigan. I can finally see summer around the corner! My mood is as sunny as the day, because I’m getting ready to visit my two youngest grandsons.

This decision wasn’t made lightly. My son, daughter-in-law, and I have weighed the pros and cons. Yes, social distancing is important, and we’ve all heeded the constraints for the past seven weeks. I’ve had contact with no one, except for Teams meeting with coworkers, Zoom canasta nights and happy hours, and Facetime chats with other loved ones. I haven’t left my house, except for three drives to the local park, where I sat in my car alone watching the geese on the lake.

My son’s family (he, his wife, and my 3- and 5-year-old grandsons) have also remained isolated, having groceries delivered and working from home. My son has gone out for fast food or grocery pick up a few times, but wore his mask and observed social distancing, then his wife even washed food containers when he brought them into the house. I think we should be safe. Fingers crossed.

So, today is the big day. I’m going to get some hugs! Some little boy hugs and cuddles!

I can’t wait! I’m happy and anticipating the human contact I desperately need. (And, believe me, I know so many of us are in the same boat.) I’m busy gathering things to take, including masks I made for the grown ups, and glue, so I can help my older grandson assemble his Titanic model I sent him earlier in the month.

I haven’t been able to find a child-size mask pattern that I liked so I could sew the boys their Paw Patrol patterned masks, so I hit YouTube before I set out, to see if I could find a how-to video that would tell me how to sew two quick masks to take with me.

Now, you may ask what all this has to do with widowhood – and grief. Here’s your answer.

I found a nice tutorial that had a good child-sized mask. As I watched a young woman handily sew the mask, I noticed a catchy background tune in the video that I had never heard before. The melody was pretty and I listened more carefully to the words. And then my heart stopped. And the tears came unbidden.

I watch you as you drive
Do you know I am looking?
And I can’t help but smile
Do you know how much I love you?

You put my favorite song on
I put my feet up
And we just sing along
And I can’t help but feeling…

Just loving this moment.
Can we stay here forever?
I’m loving this moment.
Can we stay here together?

If I can stop the time,
Don’t you know that I would?
‘Cause I’m just loving this moment
Can we stay here forever?

Forever, forever, forever

I watch you as you sleep
You don’t know I’m looking
With you everything’s complete
Do you know how much I love you?

I put your favorite song on
Just to wake you up
When I dance around
I can’t help but feeling…

Just loving this moment
Can we stay here forever?
I’m loving this moment
Can we stay here together?

If I could stop the time,
Don’t you know that I would?
‘Cause I’m just loving this moment
Can we stay here forever?

Forever, forever, forever

I’m loving this moment
Can we stay here forever?
I’m loving this moment
Can we stay here forever?

Oh, how I wish I could have stopped time back then, those many moments singing along together in the car… or lying next to Rick in bed watching him sleep… I wish I could relive any of the thousands of lovely moments we had together. And, believe me, I knew it then, too. I was aware of how special those moments were back when we were making those memories, and I remember feeling just like this – that I wanted to stop time so I could savor them and bask in them forever.

The lyrics of this song take me back to those moments that are now only memories. And just like that, I’m no longer happy and looking forward to the day. In an instant, I’m lost in the memories of those sunshiny days from the past, overcome by grief, missing Rick so much I feel like I could die.

But I won’t die. I’ve made it nearly three years and I’m okay. Most of the memories bring me smiles now, but sometimes it’s just too much – especially when I’m struck by longing, suddenly remembering those sunny days we both loved sharing together so many years ago. But I’ll summon all the coping skills I’ve learned in the time since his death. I’ll cry it out – and write it out – and then I’ll come back to the present.

And I’ll embrace this sunny day, too. I’ll go to my son’s and I’ll hug those boys and I’ll love those moments with them. Because all of these moments of love are fleeting, and now, more than ever, I know how much we need to cherish and hold on to them.

Listen to “Loving This Moment,” by Gamma Skies

Gamma Skies feat. Mia Niles (BPM 80) World Music.

About 

On August 13, 2017, I lost the love of my life. Rick Palmer and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary one month before he died at age 63 of complications from treatments for small cell lung cancer. He was my partner and soulmate, the love I had been looking for and finally found at age 40.

Rick was a talented writer and web designer and, in 2002, we began our own web and print design business. We worked together building the business and enjoyed traveling, writing, and playing together. Our dream was to spend our golden years together doing more of the same, but in the ten months from diagnosis to death, that dream shattered.

After Rick’s death, I quickly realized that the enormity of his loss was too much for me to handle on my own, so I began grief therapy. I also began writing through my grief in a journal of feelings, thoughts, memories, and poetry. As I navigate my new life alone, I share my journey and my efforts towards creating my “new normal” on my personal blog: The Writing Widow. I’m also on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.

I've published three books about my grief journey: my poetry book, I Wanted to Grow Old With You: A Widow's First Year of Grief in Poetry, and two books of poetry and prose - A Widow's Words: Grief, Reflection, Prose, and Poetry - The First Year" and A Widow's Words, Year Two: Grief, Reflection, Prose, Poetry, and Hope."

I also published a memoir: "My Story: A Memoir in Poetry and Prose." All my books are available in ebook and print versions on Amazon.com.

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Katherine Billings-Palmer

On August 13, 2017, I lost the love of my life. Rick Palmer and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary one month before he died at age 63 of complications from treatments for small cell lung cancer. He was my partner and soulmate, the love I had been looking for and finally found at age 40. Rick was a talented writer and web designer and, in 2002, we began our own web and print design business. We worked together building the business and enjoyed traveling, writing, and playing together. Our dream was to spend our golden years together doing more of the same, but in the ten months from diagnosis to death, that dream shattered. After Rick’s death, I quickly realized that the enormity of his loss was too much for me to handle on my own, so I began grief therapy. I also began writing through my grief in a journal of feelings, thoughts, memories, and poetry. As I navigate my new life alone, I share my journey and my efforts towards creating my “new normal” on my personal blog: The Writing Widow. I’m also on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. I've published three books about my grief journey: my poetry book, I Wanted to Grow Old With You: A Widow's First Year of Grief in Poetry, and two books of poetry and prose - A Widow's Words: Grief, Reflection, Prose, and Poetry - The First Year" and A Widow's Words, Year Two: Grief, Reflection, Prose, Poetry, and Hope." I also published a memoir: "My Story: A Memoir in Poetry and Prose." All my books are available in ebook and print versions on Amazon.com.

All Posts by Katherine Billings-Palmer