Seventeen Months…..

Monday…….

I woke up so very grateful and thankful knowing that all is well with me and everything pertaining to my life. So how did fear, doubt, and worry creep in? Where did that come from? It came from the enemy because he wants me not to believe what has already been promised to me. He wants me to believe that I have no purpose in this world, he wants me to give up and quit. 

I have to stay focused because sometimes when I get discouraged or afraid that can lead to distraction. Then I remind myself of all of the things God has already done and the things he has promised and shown me to come. I don’t think I will ever stop missing My Devan I need him so much and yet I know that he would expect me to walk in GODS will for me. I’ve been having days of “now what” I know when GOD speaks to me. I also know that “people” don’t provide for me GOD does.

 The day my husband left this world I had 400 dollars to my name which was the money I made because my husband took care of everything. I didn’t ever have to worry about how or what would happen, or so I thought and God has never left me he provides above and beyond what I ever thought. All he wants me to do is ask, trust and walk in his will for me. This place that I’m in has allowed God to get the best out of me.

See I knew that it was more to my life yet I didn’t know what it was. I just knew that after going through breast cancer there was something more for me to do. My husband also knew that and he would often ask me ‘Bae, do you still want to do hair”? Because he knew I was different. This man knew me inside and out so what he was asking me was a fair question. Yet, I didn’t want to admit that he was right because I felt if I admitted that truth  I was letting him down. However; the burning sensation of something was missing was screaming so loudly inside of me. 

It has been 17 months since my husbands’ transition and I have moments where it all seems like a dream. I have moments of gut-wrenching pain and fear. Again I realize that I am not the only widow in the world, so why does it often feel like I am? Why does it feel like no one understands my walk except me? I am certain that everything I am feeling is absolutely normal right? So why does it not feel normal, is it because this isn’t normal for me and my family? So many questions and depending on the day the answers may be different. I was talking to this lady the other day and she asked me how I’ve been doing. I told her that I am moving “moment by moment’’ I also told her how much I miss my husband. She says to me “everyone misses him not only you” 

Although, I understand what she meant I simply just stared and smiled because I wanted to scream “ do not ever compare me grieving my husband to others grieving him” , I understand that my husband is missed by so many people but don’t compare that with me, his wife, the mother of his children, the nana to his grandchildren. I have come to understand that some people just don’t know what to say. So I often times give allowances for that but why should I have to? I would rather a person say nothing at all if it means not saying something “stupid. People have also told me “ it’s going to be okay,  you can do this” or  “when you feel like you want to cry just start smiling’  or “you can choose to be happy or sad” 

My response is this, I hear what you’re saying and I truly appreciate the kind words and you’re right to some degree. I will make it through but I will never suppress my feelings. I will never get over it I will just learn how to live with it as I move on in life. Imagine someone coming up behind you and snatching your arm off without any warning. Now you have to not only get over the shock of having your arm snatched but you also have to learn how to operate and live with one arm. Can it be done? Of course. Is it going to be easy? probably not, however; it can be done. Now the frustrating part is that the people that are saying these things still have their arms.

I am learning to use what I need and throw the rest away as I walk moment by moment.

~Kimberly Nicole Johnson~