“And if you want me, you better speak up
I won’t wait
So you better move fast
Don’t fool yourself in thinking you’re more than a man
‘Cause you’ll probably end up dead
Now, it’s sixteen miles to the promised land
And I promise you, I’m doing the best I can”
-Rilo Kelly (With Arms Outstretched)
Feeling abandoned when you need it most is so very harmful. The life a widow is riddled with feelings of judgement, abandonment, and self loathing. Somehow though I tell myself it’s all In my head. Yet when events transpire to bring validity to these notions it’s like getting stabbed in the gut. With each word they twist the knife.
I feel myself laying blame on him, her, you. Like I have been forsaken by god once again. Ridiculous I know. I’m am so tired of this merry go round that always comes full circle. Don’t trust. Don’t let them in. Well maybe. Not too much though. Then the inevitable disappointment as yet another leaves you. In one capacity or another.
I have grown weary of battling my waging wars alone. Year after year and night after night. In the end I am always left alone. Am I so bad? That terrible of a person that my existence should equal that of a true purgatory? Unworthy of a companion through the ebbs and flows?
In the beginning I know that I am setting myself up to be damaged and yet each time I am surprised. People will fail you! Even the best versions you’ve met. They do everyday. When you need them most they will crawl inside their own selfishness leaving you naked and without supplies in the blizzard you have created.
Ugh FUCK YOU
I hate you.
For every hope incepted.
For every false word that fell from your lips.
For every intimate moment when you saw the real me.
The rest could throw away what they knew.
You knew me.
As reality tv taught me from a young age:
“I want to forgive you and I want to FORGET you.” – Lauren Conrad
I’ll add your name to the list. Don’t worry. Another lesson learned I guess.