I have been a remarried widow for seven months. It feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. Just like death. When Jared died, I swore I would never fall in love again and certainly never get remarried. But here I am, a remarried widow. And I wouldn’t trade a thing.
When my late husband, Jared died I told myself I would mourn him for two years. I knew I would grieve his loss forever but I felt I needed to actively mourn him for two years. Why? I have no idea. But that is what I decided. And for two years I did not allow myself to truly be happy, to feel joy because I felt that would be betraying my self imposed time of mourning.
My self-imposed time of morning ended on September 16, 2016. I met my new husband on November 19, 2016. And I believe with all my heart that Jared sent me Jon. He knew I would never step out into the dating world on my own so he sent Jon to sit down beside me at the bar on a cruise ship where I could not run. If you had told me on that night that a year later I would marry my new beginning, I would have laughed. Laughed hysterically. But that is exactly what happened.
Exactly 12 months after our fateful meeting on that cruise ship, Jon got down on bended knee in front of our children and asked me to be his wife. He truly understands that death does not end love. He tells me all the time that my marriage ended because Jared died not because we fell out of love. And he knows that my heart is capable of expanding to love them both. He is not a widow. He is divorced. But he tries to understand this crazy widow journey. While he can never truly know what it’s like to walk this path, he does his best to support me. He has held me as I’ve cried for Jared. He has helped me celebrate Jared’s life. He placed the first picture of Jared in our new home. And because my new beginning could love me, my son, and in his own way my dead husband I did not hesitate to say yes when he popped the question.
On December 20th, Jon and I decided why wait? Why wait to start our lives together. I knew better than most that life is short. That we only have a finite time. And I never wanted to say I wish we had. So I made a phone call and found out we could have our dream beach wedding at sunset on New Year’s Eve. And that’s what we did. Then we rang in the new year surrounded by our family and closest friends.
At our wedding, we did not say till death do us part. Jon told the priest death does not end love so instead we said until we meet again. That is just one of the many reasons I love that man. Life as a remarried widow is not always easy. I still have unexpected grief triggers that will drop me to my knees. I frequently look at my son and think I wish his dad was here. On every birthday, anniversary, or milestone I think I wish Jared was here. But even though I wish Jared could be here, to still be part of our lives, I wouldn’t trade being married to Jon. Such is the life of the remarried widow.