I don’t know how else to say it, but I’m tired of being a widow. I’m exhausted by keeping it all up all the time. I’ve worked hard at creating a life on my own where I’m strong, confident and loving. I’ve allowed grief to soften me and for that I’m thankful. But I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of waking up alone in the bed I used to share with the love of my life.

I’m tired of putting on a mask of smiles, confidence and laughter when under it all I still want to scream at the unfairness of it all.

I’m tired of having to make all the decisions on my own when all I want to do is share it with him.

I’m tired of coming home to a dark house that was meant to be filled with our dreams for the future.

I’m tired of saying “my late husband”.

I’m tired of feeling both married and single at the same time.

I’m tired of all the anniversaries that still take my breath away.

I’m tired of having to explain my grief to those who think I should be over it by now.

I’m tired of the sad looks I get when I tell people I’m a widow.

I’m tired of grief and the grieving that takes me to my knees with sorrow.

I’m tired of trying to fill my weekends and evenings.

I’m tired of financially planning on my own and not having a partner.

I’m tired of the loneliness that consumes me in the dark.

I’m tired of my soul hurting.

I’m tired of all the bullshit.

I’m tired of the tears that have become my normal.

I’m tired of pushing through it all and still going to work, family events, celebrations and everything else I’m expected to attend.

I’m tired of guilt.

I’m tire of only having old memories and not being able to make new ones.

I’m tired of the missing that sits deep in my soul.

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m tired of being a widow.

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Cecilia Mannella

Widowhood entered suddenly on June 17, 2016 when the love of Cecilia’s life died. They had a whirlwind of a love story which was fun, exciting and calming. This started her relationship with grief and loss. As a social worker, therapist, teacher, writer and human, she embarked on a bumpy yet remarkable path in her life. Cecilia is still working on discovering who she is as a woman, a sister, a daughter, a widow, a helper and a friend. She has been humbled by the depth of pain and suffering while learning that she is stronger than she thought. Cecilia has learned the strength, courage and beauty in all the widows that she has had the pleasure of connecting with. Cecilia knows that writing is her ability to be vulnerable to the world in a way that is difficult. Words are the expression of her soul and she connects to others through their words. As a therapist, she brings a different slant to her writing that explores therapeutic approaches for healing that she has tried herself. What she has learned, is that there aren’t just 5 stages of grief but that grief is a soul changing experience which propels you into being a different person. You can also find her on her blog Widow Living Instagram @widowedliving and Facebook @widowedliving

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