I don’t know how else to say it, but I’m tired of being a widow. I’m exhausted by keeping it all up all the time. I’ve worked hard at creating a life on my own where I’m strong, confident and loving. I’ve allowed grief to soften me and for that I’m thankful. But I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of waking up alone in the bed I used to share with the love of my life.
I’m tired of putting on a mask of smiles, confidence and laughter when under it all I still want to scream at the unfairness of it all.
I’m tired of having to make all the decisions on my own when all I want to do is share it with him.
I’m tired of coming home to a dark house that was meant to be filled with our dreams for the future.
I’m tired of saying “my late husband”.
I’m tired of feeling both married and single at the same time.
I’m tired of all the anniversaries that still take my breath away.
I’m tired of having to explain my grief to those who think I should be over it by now.
I’m tired of the sad looks I get when I tell people I’m a widow.
I’m tired of grief and the grieving that takes me to my knees with sorrow.
I’m tired of trying to fill my weekends and evenings.
I’m tired of financially planning on my own and not having a partner.
I’m tired of the loneliness that consumes me in the dark.
I’m tired of my soul hurting.
I’m tired of all the bullshit.
I’m tired of the tears that have become my normal.
I’m tired of pushing through it all and still going to work, family events, celebrations and everything else I’m expected to attend.
I’m tired of guilt.
I’m tire of only having old memories and not being able to make new ones.
I’m tired of the missing that sits deep in my soul.
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of being a widow.
Hi , just came across your site, so well put. My husband died of lung cancer during the pandemic. I’m at 21 months & im sooo tired of being ALONE. I find it difficult to come up with a word that describes how I feel. First year everyone took care of me.. always. I spent most of it staying at my daughter’s house (she lives 15 minutes from me). I have my son, 3 sisters, grandkids, friends all around me. All sounds good, but this second year everyone is back to living. I don’t like to sound ungrateful, but it’s almost 2 years ..& I still feel alone no matter what I’m doing or who I’m with. Im doing everything possible to move on.. I went to bereavement group, I’ve read every book ever written on widows, I socialize, I travel with my family (we’re going to Italy next week – I can’t even get excited), I went back to exercise, I work part time from home, I’m getting back to reading my Bible & trying to find a church to join. I’m REALLY trying to get to a point of contentment, but I’m still ALONE. In my entire life (71) I have never lived alone.. I don’t like it at all. I don’t want to make decisions on my own.. I CAN.. but I don’t want to. I want to be the energetic, positive, creative, helpful woman I always was.. but I don’t see that happening. I live in NY & I’m dreading winter. This 🤬 pandemic is not over & I’ll be locked in again! I just keep 🙏 I find some peace & contenment soon!
I pray for all widows everywhere bc no one can EVER understand what we’re going through.
I lost my husband of 35 years 6 months ago to brain cancer. I, too, am tired of it. I cannot be consoled. I don’t want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. I don’t even go to church anymore, because I don’t want to be around other women who are still enjoying the comfort, joy, blessing, and security of a husband in their lives. I just spend my days reading books. I haven’t worked outside the home in over 30 years, so I do not have a job to keep my mind occupied, which is why I read nonstop. I don’t read widow books, as they are not able to touch my grief. I am not interested in how Mrs. Smith or Mrs. Whitaker got over their grief. I am not either one of those women; I am me. I didn’t lose their husbands; I lost mine. My depression continues to get worse, but there is nothing that can be done about it. It is what it is. Life on Earth sucks, and I long for the day when death will liberate my soul and reunite me with my husband. I have no intention of going on antidepressants or talking to a grief counselor. I do not want any of this. I want my husband, and only him, and I will never settle for anything less. If all 7.9 billion people on planet Earth came together in a futile attempt to console me, they could not, for I simply cannot be consoled. I have lost interest in everything, and I know that for me, this will never change. I know who I am.
I literally Googled tired of being a Widow. This is as if you reached in my soul. My Husband died of COVID only 6 weeks ago two days after his 49th Birthday 10 days after our 29th wedding anniversary. I’m so numb and feel as if this is still not real. i am left with our seven children alone. I hate new role with all of me. I’m tired yet restless. It is good to know these feelings are not mine alone.
I’m a widow of 4 months and I feel as though it never will end! We were married 23 years and he died in my arms here at home! I’m so glad to see us all come together! I never saw me being a widow at 44 coming! 😢
I lost my dear husband of 20 years last year during the worst of the pandemic. Your poem captures my thoughts. I’ve never felt so alone and empty.
I lost my husband of 32 years suddenly & unexpectedly 6 years ago. What you have written struck me to the core. I’m also sick & tired of being single, alone, putting on a fake cheerful exterior when inside I feel so depressed & miserable & broken. Some days are a struggle. Every day I don’t know what I’ll wake up to, feeling sad, feeling so so, feeling numb, void, empty. Will these feelings ever go away?
Cecilia, I’d simply like to thank you for putting into words exactly how being a widow feels. My husband died suddenly & unexpectedly 15 months ago, the shock & grief are with me always.I’ve just come home to our empty & too quiet home, & typed in ‘Widowhood & tiredness’ to see if it’s just me. It isn’t. You have expressed what we are all living with,to perfection.
Jane, I’m glad that you know that you’re not alone in this whole messy thing. The tiredness comes and goes now (3 years in) and I know that at 15 months I felt a deep down bone and soul tired I couldn’t escape. Know that you’re not alone in this
9 years and it is still hard . I get so angry at other women who post comments on fb and instagram social media about “how blessed they are to have a wonderful happy bla bla bla husband…” I just want to say to them .. well in the blink of an eye and a last breath you will be where I am.. not young not old but alone to take care of everything!
Sharon, thanks for sharing your heart and how difficult things can be. The anger is something that is a major struggle as well as the simple unfairness of things and life. Hugs to you
All of your messages represent a hurting heart! I’m so sorry! There are so many changes! It is overwhelming, but I thank God He is with me, guiding me through each day! Prayers for peace and blessings to you all!
this explains it all dear….Only those who feels it understands it.
It sure takes being a widow to truly “get it”
Hi Celia, sorry for your loss. You explain it all perfectly. My husband was 58 when he died from metastatic kidney cancer a year & a half ago. My first month or two was shock & numbness. Then the bouts of grief would wash over me like a wave. It would take me out. I could function to do everyday chores. I just go to work and trudge through every day. It’s gotten a little better. I’m just tired of trying and being alone & overwhelmed.
Laurie, thanks for your comment and I’m glad that this also resonated with you. It can be so tiring all the time….I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets tired of all of it.
Hugs to you,
I lost my husband a few days before you on 6/13/16. I feel this poem so much. I’m tired and people just don’t get it. I lost me when I lost him. I lost my sense of purpose. I was a wife, still feel like his wife. It’s so confusing. But each day I try to live like he wanted me to. There is no manual on being the “PERFECT” widow. This journey is different for each one of us. Thanks for this. When I feel that people don’t understand, I know my group of widowed sisters and brothers get IT.
To add, he was only 44 and passed unexpectedly right before my very eyes. I was 37.
Thank you. I just ran across your blog. Over 5 years now and I’m just “done!” Two things I didn’t see addressed are grand children & others expectations to date.
I had to sell my home & chose to move closer to my son which pretty much left just me and God to figure out this mess. My family was hurt and frustrated that I moved so I experienced a ton of rejection.
Now people think I should “move on” which is code for “date.”
So not interested! My grand children bring me joy. I believe it would be unfair to start a new relationship to which I wouldn’t be totally committed, nor do I want a replacement. I’m putting what energy i have left into preparing these kids for tomorrow while still trying to figure out what life looks like and who I am before my time here is done. This doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the struggle but I do hope this helps somebody. I choose to be thankful even if I’m still screaming and crying.
Shenika, there isn’t any perfect way and I agree that I have found comfort and support in this amazing widow community. I don’t think people get it unless they’ve lived through it. I also watched my husband die and the trauma of that haunts me each moment of every day. Sending you peace
I watched mine die also 18th June 2017,7.35pm @ 39 and even when the doctors tried to resuscitate him,i knew he was gone before the words “We are sorry,his heart has stopped” Was blurted at me. I guess the feeling we all feel is the same. We have 2 kids ( 6 And 3years)
Thanks for sharing your experience, there really aren’t any words that can describe the pain and trauma of those words “I’m sorry….”
Hugs to you
Much love and hugs. I became a widow at 31 my husband was 34…. That was 12 yrs ago.. I still look for me at times, the shock and awe still comes from others when they find .. I avoid the questions sometimes just so I don’t have to hear the I’m sorry… Widowhood is like a roller coaster constantly.. for me the times get longer in between that I say what if, what could have been what the heck am I doing. I’m dating now. But it’s still odd sometimes. Your words when. I read them I’ve said at many points in my life.. we carry on we move it takes time.
Tanya, thanks for sharing your process and time in this widowhood thing. I don’t image that it gets easier, just more comfortable with all the tiredness and oddness of living this life. Sending you peace
It’s been almost five years since my husband died unexpectedly from a stroke. This post describes perfectly how I feel. It’s just not fair.
Hi Emily, what I have learned is that it’s not fair to any of us and that this path can be a lonely one. I’m glad that this post resonated with you…I know that I feel less alone with everyone’s response to this. Sending you peace
YES. Yes, to all of this. I’m exhausted. Like so many of us, I watched the love of my live, the soul of my soul, fade away in front of me as I tried in vain to save him..gone, at 47 years old. I’m tired of this life without him..nothing matters, and I’m too exhausted to care. Too tired to try.
I hear ya and I’m with you. My husband was 45 years old…too young. This road is challenging and unexpected. Wishing you peace.
My husband was 44. I was 37.. its all unfair.
Very well said I feel excatly the same way. My husband transitoned 9-24-16 so I totally understand every word that I just read.
Hi Kimberly, I’m glad this resonated with you…helps us all to know that we’re not alone. Wishing you peace
My husband died January 8, 2016 age 61 of kidney failure. We were married 42 1/2 Years. I was 60, now 63. Been with him since I was 16. Oldest son died in 2009. Youngest son decided to estrange himself 5 days before his dad died. I’m just tired.
Hi Kaye, my heart is heavy for you and how hard this must be for you. Sending you peace and rest
I lost my husband aug 10th to a random shooter, we have 2 sons together. I no longer feel alive I’ve been with him since I was 14 22yrs of a life with my soulmate and hes just gone. I feel I no longer exist I’m just living waiting to die
Melissa, my heart is heavy for your loss….this widow road is sure a shitty one and not one that we signed up for. I’m sure he’d want you to keep at it…that’s what keeps me going. Sending you peace
I am tireddddddddd too. This is too much
Hi Winy, sending you peace and rest for your heart
My husband died 23 years ago at 40 years old mass heartattack. I had my son to help me and me help him. Do we become widows twice, because on September 27, 2013 I lost mynonly child to PSC Liver Disease. He was 36 years old. He was the other half of my heart that held me together. So forgive me if I girlfriend more for my child than my husband. #beingawidowsucks. What do they call a mother who lost a child. Peace and blessings 💕
Hi Margaret, my heart is heavy for your loss and the strength that it takes to continue on. Sending you peace
I thought watching my husband’s health deteriorate in hospice for 2 1/2 years was terrible but he has been gone for 3 years and I miss him everyday. We had been friends since we were 10 and he was 65 when he died. We were always Bill and Mare. I have had to discover who Mare is without Bill. Thank God for supportive family and friends.
Hi Mare, the path to rediscovery sure is a hard one. I often say that I’m a wife without a husband….a difficult identity to figure out. Sending you peace
I’m tired too of all the above. My son keeps me going. Still the list is true and it’s been 7 years
Crystal, I’m glad that this resonated with you….it’s been so amazing to see that we’re not alone in feeling this. Sending you peace
I have been a widow for 15 years. It seems like yesterday when we got the “c” diagnosis. I want to be me, but still refer to myself as his wife. I too am tired.
Linda, thanks for sharing parts of your story…..I too refer to myself as a wife without a husband…an odd thing to negotiate. Sending you peace
I recently became a widow at 27 when my husband was 34 I have two kids one that just turned 5 and a 2 year old. With the holidays and my sons birthday I just want to break down this would be the first time my husband wasn’t here. I’m tired of all the sad looks and everyone asking me if I’m ok in my small town sometimes I want to be left alone but others I dont and it’s a day to day experience. I’m just trying.
Hi Jennifer, please take it day by day. My first holiday season was awful and I said “no” to a lot of things just so I could self-preserve. I too am tired of the sad and pity looks…..those don’t really go away. Reach out and ask for what you need. Sending you peace
How can other people not see or understand this? The sheer unfairness of becoming a widow at 46 exhausts me. Every day is such a struggle and I’m sorry you are going through this as well. I’m tired of grief. I’m tired of making the best of things, and Really tired of people telling me how much I have to be grateful for. Maybe one day I can focus on that, but right now I’m tired of trying. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Kristy, I hear ya! I don’t want to count the gratefulness when grief is my constant companion. I don’t know why people don’t get it either…..a little empathy and compassion from other goes a long way. Sending you peace