I don’t know how else to say it, but I’m tired of being a widow. I’m exhausted by keeping it all up all the time. I’ve worked hard at creating a life on my own where I’m strong, confident and loving. I’ve allowed grief to soften me and for that I’m thankful. But I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of waking up alone in the bed I used to share with the love of my life.
I’m tired of putting on a mask of smiles, confidence and laughter when under it all I still want to scream at the unfairness of it all.
I’m tired of having to make all the decisions on my own when all I want to do is share it with him.
I’m tired of coming home to a dark house that was meant to be filled with our dreams for the future.
I’m tired of saying “my late husband”.
I’m tired of feeling both married and single at the same time.
I’m tired of all the anniversaries that still take my breath away.
I’m tired of having to explain my grief to those who think I should be over it by now.
I’m tired of the sad looks I get when I tell people I’m a widow.
I’m tired of grief and the grieving that takes me to my knees with sorrow.
I’m tired of trying to fill my weekends and evenings.
I’m tired of financially planning on my own and not having a partner.
I’m tired of the loneliness that consumes me in the dark.
I’m tired of my soul hurting.
I’m tired of all the bullshit.
I’m tired of the tears that have become my normal.
I’m tired of pushing through it all and still going to work, family events, celebrations and everything else I’m expected to attend.
I’m tired of guilt.
I’m tire of only having old memories and not being able to make new ones.
I’m tired of the missing that sits deep in my soul.
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of being a widow.