Someone recently made a comment to me about “still doing the widow thing.” This person said your remarried, so you’re not a widow anymore. I tried to nicely say that even though I am Jon’s wife, I will always be Jared’s widow. I am a remarried widow.
Being a widow effects everything I do going forward. The pain, the tragedy, the PTSD that comes from such an experience affects every relationship that comes after. And while being a widow does not define me, it is part of who I am. Being a widow has shaped the person I’ve become. And being a widow has helped me to love my new husband in a deeper, more profound way.
As Jared’s widow, it’s my responsibility to keep his memory alive. To ensure that our child never forgets his dad. To ensure that my son knows he can always speak of his father. Being remarried doesn’t erase the fact that my first husband died. Doesn’t change the fact that my child buried his father. My living husband doesn’t replace my dead one.
People are not replaceable. I love my new husband and I’m grateful that he is in my life. He is an amazing dad to my son. But I will always miss Jared. My son and I will always wish Jared could be with us. And my husband not only understands that, he appreciates it. He helps us honor and remember Jared.
People who have never been widowed cannot possibly understand. Understand loving two men. Understand living in two worlds. Understand that while life is good again, it will always have bittersweet moments. Understand that you don’t turn off the love because someone died. Death does not end love.
As a remarried widow, I know first hand that it is possible to love two men at the same time. Equally but differently. To honor a past love while completely enjoying my present love. To be excited for my future while missing what was.
As a widowed mom, I have been both mom and dad. Made all the decisions and prayed they were the right ones. I have tried to teach my son important life lessons that his dad would want him to know. It has been my responsibility to show him that even though we have endured great loss, we can live a life full of love, laughter, and adventure.
Recently, I asked my son if he could have three wishes what would he wish for? He said his dad, happiness, and enough money to live comfortably. Five years later, his first wish is still his dad. And always will be. And that is why I still do the widow thing.
About Carla Duff
Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less.
She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief
Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.