“It’s all his fault.”
That is a phrase I have often uttered in my house since my late husband died. Something breaks, it’s Jared’s fault because he’s not here to fix it. If something goes wrong, it’s Jared’s fault because if he was here it might not of happened. When life is hard and I’m overstressed, it’s all his fault because if he were here my life would be different.
Everything bad that has happened since Jared died, I tend to blame on him. It’s all his fault.
If he hadn’t died, my life would be so very different.
Money wouldn’t be so tight.
I wouldn’t be a solo mom.
I wouldn’t have to make major life decisions alone.
I wouldn’t suffer flashbacks.
I wouldn’t be so afraid.
Life wouldn’t be marked as before and after.
I remember a time when our printer wouldn’t work. And I was yelling at Jared that it was all his fault because if he were here he would know exactly how to fix the printer and I wouldn’t have to deal with it. My son walked into the room and asked me what I was doing. And I said I’m yelling at your dad. And he said tell him I said hi. And that is a normal occurrence in our house. Others may think we are crazy. But my widowed friends can totally relate.
It’s all his fault. If he hadn’t died, my life would be so different.
He and I would still be happily married.
We would be raising our son together.
We would be taking vacations and making wonderful family memories.
We would be planning our next adventure.
Instead he died. And life as I knew it came to an abrupt end. And I had to figure out how to move forward. How to build a life without him.
It’s all his fault that my life is so very different now.
I am now remarried.
I am sharing the love that Jared gave me with my new husband.
I am trying to blend a family.
I am raising my son to be a wonderful man, a wonderful husband.
I am a different person since Jared died.
I am a different wife to Jon because of Jared’s death.
My life is completely different than the way I envisioned it. And it’s all his fault.
He gave me the love, the conference, the strength to survive his death
He gave me the ability to live again.
He made me promise to love again.
His love, his life, his death made me the woman I am today.
Sometimes I forget to give him credit for all the wonderful things. Sometimes I forget to say thank you as I look towards the heavens. Sometimes I need to be reminded that life is good again.
And it’s all his fault.
About Carla Duff
Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less.
She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief
Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.