When Tim first passed away, I was numb. I went through the motions; making funeral arrangements, accepting condolences from friends and neighbors who stopped by and ultimately getting through the funeral service. That numbness stayed with me for at least a month or two before emotions began to overtake that numbness. Sadness and anger became the emotions that came over me at random. I was angry at where I was in my life, one without my best friend and soulmate.
The daytime hours were not so bad; I could busy myself with work, tasks to be done and not get wrapped up in my anger and grief. However, it was the nighttime hours that would haunt me. My mind would not turn off and emotions overtook me in the wee hours. I questioned every single thing that had happened and what would become of my future. My mind was at a constant battle within itself; leaving me sobbing uncontrollably and feeling angry, lonely, and utterly lost. I prayed for sleep to come and give me some relief. Some nights relief came in the form of sleep and on others, my mind just held me hostage in memories and so many mixed emotions.
I learned that it was part of the journey of healing. As the months went on, the nights began to get better. Speaking to Tim out loud, I began to let him know that I was angry, that I missed him, and that this was not the way life was supposed to turn out. I began reaching out for his guidance, a reassurance that even though he wasn’t physically here, he was still with me every day. I realized that accepting his death was going to take time.
There is nothing easy about the process of grief. Unless you have gone through it, you have no idea how you are going to react to it. When our minds are filled with anger, shock and a deep sadness, it eats up our energy so that there is no room for anything else. When the reality sets in, it may feel like you are grieving all over again. Be patient with yourself in these moments and open yourself up to what you are feeling.
Keep telling yourself that you are doing your very best to get through what is a tough time and that there is no one that can tell you how to move forward. There is no how to guide to get through the emotions that come with grief. It is something that you will end up figuring out for yourself. Some days will be better than others, but the key is to be patient with yourself and to take those steps, even if they seem to be baby steps. Just one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.