I’ve been thinking about my healing journey. It is 2.5 years later and my pain can still be so gut wrenching. It has changed and shifted and maybe isn’t as raw as it was in the beginning but there is still an all consuming deep, torrential pain that takes my breath away. I have realized I need to grieve the many changed layers of my life. Recently, I have discovered one of these layers is to be known. It is a special relationship for a husband and wife to intimately know each other. Marriage sets you apart from others and joins you as one flesh. Death has taught me a hard lesson. It is lonely being torn in two. It is lonely having to physically separate.
Chad knew every part of who I was. I was safe to be completely vulnerable with him. He not only knew my insecurities and character struggles but loved me because of them. Where others may criticize my hot-headed nature, he could not only stand with me and lean into those moments but love my tenacity and strength. He loved my adventurous spirit and gentle soul. Chad knew me in every possible physical and emotional level. It was always so clear, even knowing all of me, he adored me and thought of me as his rock and equal partner.
I do devotions most mornings. A quiet time to sit and reflect with God. It was during this time recently I realized I miss being known by Chad. I was feeling empty, lonely and crushed. I suddenly heard a voice in my head say, “That’s how I love you! I know you even more than that and I adore you. I pick you as my favourite every day. Come to me and rest.” I believe this was God whispering into my soul that He sees me; He knows me.
The bible promises that God will sustain the widow. Psalm 146:9 That He will be a husband to the widow. Isaiah 54:5 I struggle to really understand what this means but I cling to these promises as my life raft. It’s what helps me get through my day to day struggles. I now understand a little more what God means by these promises. His love for me is wider, grander and richer than even Chad’s love was. And so now, I pray to feel God’s love as tangible as I felt Chad’s. That I wake each day surrounded by His peace and comforted to know even in my darkest moments He still choses me and loves me for them. I can be vulnerable and real with Him and He won’t ever turn His back.
The promise of God’s love is helping to get me through these lonely days and nights. COVID 19 has us all isolated and more alone than we usually are yet I am now feeling less lonely. I remind myself I am still known. I am known by my husband who I will see again one day in heaven. More importantly, I am known by a God who can whisper peace and hope into my soul. For that I am so grateful!