Lots of people will do things for you initially.  

 

Suggestion:

Try to realize that act was more about them dealing with their own bullshit or fear, or worried about their karma, than actually doing something because they are a good human that needs to stay in your life . 

 

Their help will not continue.

 

You won’t want it to. 

 

Don’t allow this to hurt you, or in some way make you believe you aren’t worth helping, or that your story isn’t sad anymore. It’s still sad, it always will be. 

 

Their lives move on. Ours stands still. 

 

You still need people, just the right ones! 

 

The ones that do it to make sure they don’t have bad karma or superficially, that help will be short lived. Use it to your advantage if you feel brave enough. This type of person will do it so they can tell someone else what they did for you.  It will come with seemingly great intentions that will be completely surface, and may even be posted on some sort of social media feed. 

 

This is about them. They need affirmation that they did a kind thing in a bad situation. 

 

They might worry about karma, they do something so it meets their need to be right in their world. They are trying to make sense of your loss.  Our loss doesn’t make sense. 

 

They worry that if they don’t do anything, karma will take their partner in some cruel way. They worry that people will talk if they don’t do something. 

 

They worry that our situation could somehow be contagious. They need to know that their “friends” on social media will affirm how great of a person they are for helping the widowed.

 

They might even want to do it so they are “in the know,” and have “information” on how you are doing to convey to all of their other “friends.” This is not about you. It’s about them, their insecurities, their fear. 

 

It’s okay. Accept the help in the beginning, but don’t own it when it stops. 

 

It’s not you, it’s them. 

 

Remember that just because help from this type of tragedy will be mixed. You will figure out who your true friends are. 

 

I had friends that were, and absolutely ARE the best. They are willing to do whatever is needed, even now, five years later. 

 

Keep and honor those friendships because they will be deeper and more intentional from that point on.  Your bad ass friends will continue to support your badassery, widowed or not. Do the same for them, if you feel strong enough. 

About 

Tricia Kauffman is a mother, widow, sister, daughter, friend, and school counselor. She has been in education for 20 years and loves to work with kids. Tricia was widowed after a 12 day battle with pancreatic cancer that her husband was diagnosed with one day before his 39th birthday. Their miracle IVF baby, Margaret Pearl, just turned three in Feb and Cory died in March. She started a Kindness group on Facebook in honor of her husband to create a legacy of kindness for our daughter called Kindness 4 Cory.