As the years since Jared‘s death grow longer, I am worried I will forget.
I am worried I will forget the special things about him.
The blue of his eyes.
The sound of his laughter.
The touch of his hands.
The way he said I love you.
The twinkle in his eyes when he was excited.
The tilt of his shit eating grin.
The way his smirk was so endearing.
The way he made me feel.
I am worried I will forget the me I was with him.
The way I felt so confident.
The fact I knew together we could do anything.
How he made me feel like I was the only person in the world.
The way my heart would beat a little faster.
The butterflies in my stomach.
The tingling in my toes.
All because he kissed me.
I am worried I will forget the man he was.
The way he would do anything for a friend.
The lack of tolerance he had for so many things.
His patience to help those who wanted to learn.
His ability to always smile and laugh no matter what.
His complete and unconditional love for me and our son.
The fact he never let his disease stop him from doing anything.
That his faith could move mountains.
I am worried I will forget the father he was to our son.
How he would help Steven and his friends float across the pond.
How he built Steven’s playset without any help.
The hours the two of them spent throwing a football in our yard.
The pride on his face when he coached Steven’s baseball and football teams.
The joy he and Steven shared riding dirt bikes.
When he would help Steven climb the dirt piles and ride his John Deere down it.
The two of them sitting at the kitchen table doing homework.
The way he would smile and call Steven “baby” when he was an infant.
How he always affectionately called our son “the boy.”
The way he always worried about what was best for Steven.
I am worried I will forget him.
I am worried I will forget our life together.
I am worried I will forget.
And that terrifies me.
About Carla Duff
Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less.
She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief
Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.