So true. I would have never thought that at 38 I would lose the love of my life and become a widow. I thought widowhood was for older people, I had no idea. I remember getting all of this “advice” from people who I know meant well, but they seriously had NO CLUE! Sure what they said sounded good and was maybe the etiquette thing to say, but did they really know?? Did they know how if felt to have your whole world turned upside down in a matter of seconds, what it was like to have your children scream and cry for their daddy?? I can remember there were so many days I spent on my floor in the closet screaming into his dirty clothes bag. Why? What did my kids and I do to deserve this horrible tragedy? Why didn’t Bryan’s heart start back and he come home to us, for goodness sakes it was 10 days before Christmas when he died. He had the only wrapped gift under our tree. So again I say, you would have to have been through it, to understand it.
As the days, months and years are going by, I feel like I am learning so much about myself. I have found strength in some of my darkest moments, I have learned that I have to really dig deep and stand up every time I feel like I get knocked down. I have also learned to appreciate all the “little things” that are now “big things” that he did; I always knew I had someone that would take care of things for me and also take care of me, I miss that so. Widowhood is hard, lonely, sad, and can rob everyday of joy and suck the life right out of you. I am learning and choosing to continue the “grief battle” and trying my best to rise above and find my joy and peace in this new life I was thrown into. I hope my words, as scattered as they may be, can be of some help to someone and that through my post I can continue to heal.

 

 

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Brandi Bulloch

Brandi never expected to be a widow, she always thought they would grow old together. They had plans, big plans, of early retirement and enjoying “retired life” together and everything that was to come with that. Bryan was her first and only love. They began their journey together when she was 15, he was 17. They would go on to build a beautiful life together, have 2 children, a girl first and then a beautiful bouncing boy. They were living their American Dream. But God had other plans and on Thursday, December 15, 2016, the unimaginable happened. While they were on the phone together, both at work, he died from a massive heart attack. In total disbelief and despair, she got to him and saw what would become the most tragic thing she could have ever imagined, her 39-year-old husband no longer there with them. He was gone, just like that. Instead of planning his 40th. birthday party, she was planning his funeral. Her life and the life of her 15-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son were completely shattered. She was left alone, heartbroken, and now her biggest job, a single mom. Brandi had no idea what she was to do. The hardest job was mothering grieving children while completely in the depth of grief herself. The widowhood journey for her has been the most difficult thing she has ever done. She quickly learned that “widowhood” was also a “sisterhood” and one that no one understood unless you were part of it. Brandy was thankful to have found a handful of friends that unfortunately knew what she was going through. She took to journaling, reaching out to widow sisters, and of course therapy. Brandi ended every journal entry with a prayer for peace and hope. The widow fog is finally lifting and she is finally at a place where she feels Peace & Hope. The joy is returning as she continues to learn new things about herself and raising two children. Brandi is at a place in her journey where she feels as if she has a lot to say and can possibly be of some help to someone who has felt so lost, such despair and grief so deep. You can also find her personal blog here: blog: awidowsjourneyfph.wordpress.com/blog

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