Last night my new husband and I watched a show where the people returned 5 years after they were presumed dead. And it made me wonder what would happen if Jared came back now. 7 years later.
What would he think of the life I’m living now?
What would he think of the person I’ve become?
What would he think of how I’ve raised our son?
Three years after Jared’s death, I sold our home and moved 40 miles north for our son to attend the high school of his choice.
What would he think of me selling our home? The home where we made so many memories. The home where our son started his first day of school. The home where we lived life to the fullest. The home where he died.
What would he think of me getting remarried? During my third year of widowhood, I met my new husband. I had no intention of dating. No intention of getting married. But when I entered my fourth year of widowhood, my new husband and I tied the knot.
What would he think of my take life by the horns attitude? I have always been a strong, independent woman but with him I was different. Calmer somehow. More subdued. We lived life together, our way. And now I am living life much louder.
What would he think of the young man our baby boy has become? Our son has become an amazing young man. He is intelligent, athletic, and one of the kindest people I know. In so many ways he reminds me of his dad. But in the last few years, I see a lot more of my attitude in him. He is looking at military academies. An influence from my dad and my new husband. I wonder if my son would be looking at those same schools if his dad we’re still alive.
What would I do if tomorrow Jared walked back into our lives? I no doubt would run into his arms. Hold him tight. And cry countless tears. But would I give up the life I have now to go back to the life I had with him? I will never have to make that choice. Because as much as I would like, Jared cannot come back.
Death is forever.
And so is love.
As much as I wonder, I will never truly have the answers. I just have to trust that Jared would be proud.
Proud of the life I am living now.
Proud of the women I have become since his death.
Proud of the young man I have raised without him for the last 7 years.
Proud that I packed up our home so our son could live his best life.
Proud that I trusted enough and opened my heart to love again.
Proud of my live life with no regrets attitude.
Proud of the son that has become an ama big young man.
If Jared came back, now7 years later, I imagine he would be beaming with pride. Smiling his shit eating grin. And he would say I knew you could do it. Because he always believed in me.