Death sucks.
There is no nice way to say it.
Death SUCKS!!
This week has reminded me of how blessed I am to get live each and every day.
And at the same time it has reminded me just how quickly it can all change.
My new husband’s father is critically ill. And the family may have to make decisions regarding withdrawing care. And while I am trying to be strong and supportive, this is a HUGE grief trigger for me.
I feel like it is September 2014 all over again.
Praying for a miracle.
Realizing that prayer may not be answered. So instead praying for the suffering to end.
Why does death hit so much harder since I lost Jared?
Hurt so much more?
Feel like a grief tsunami?
I want to throw my hands up in the air and yell ENOUGH!
In my 49 years on this earth, I have become a pro at death.
Planning funerals.
Saying I’m fine when really I’m drowning.
Knowing who to call and what to say.
Being strong for others when I just want to scream and lose my shit.
Crying in private so my grief doesn’t upset anyone else.
Offering others a shoulder to cry on when I just want to collapse under the weight of it all.
And I’mTIRED!.
Tired of losing loved ones.
Tired of sharing the bad news.
Tired of being the resident death expert.
And at the same time I know I’m blessed.
Blessed to have known a love that death cannot end.
Blessed to have the tools and knowledge to help those who come after me.
Blessed to have an amazing tribe who support me in my darkest days.
Sometimes this widowed life is too much. But I wouldn’t trade my love with Jared. Our love was worth every ounce of grief. And I am fortunate to have loved and been loved beyond measure.
As I’m flying to be with my new husband on his darkest days, I wish death wasn’t such a familiar part of my life.
That I wasn’t the resident grief expert.
That I didn’t know what to expect.
But unfortunately I know it all too well.
Death sucks!!
About Carla Duff
Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less.
She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief
Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.
I understand & feel everything you said, sounded like an echo other than having a new husband. My husband died almost 2 years ago from a Brain tumor @48 years old , had been given 2 yr life expectancy but caught Covid right when it started and died within 4 months of the diagnosis and I feel more stuck then ever and feel like I am drowning everyday. I work in a Trauma unit and deal with death & devastation everyday, and try help and support those with their sudden losses, it keeps me distracted from my own emptiness. I find joy in nothing other than going to work so at least grateful for that. Wishing you some peace.
Sending you love.