I celebrated our 2nd Easter without my husband this year. While this year was drastically different than our first one, I decided to add a step to the holiday grief cycle—Juggling.
Being widowed during the holidays is a juggling act. You’re expected to keep their memory alive, keep their traditions alive, manage the family you created with them, your family, their family, and sometimes, your chapter 2 and their family. It takes more coordinating than a Dancing with the Star’s episode.
My husband would be the one to navigate parties, how to incorporate both families in events, what to cook, helping me out with our daughter, plus manage church or other activities. He rarely seemed to get upset or stressed out over anything, he thrived around people. When my husband was alive, we had a system especially for holidays. For Easter, we would prep the night before after our daughter went to bed. I would stuff Easter eggs and he would hide them. We would both get up early in the morning to see our daughter find the eggs and her basket. Since he was a church goer, he would take our daughter to Mass while I cleaned up and got ready for the day. Last year all that responsibility fell solely on me. I had to take on both of our roles to make any holidays happen.
I don’t have my husband’s talent to calmly react in these situations. While my chapter 2 shares the same calm reassurance (and willingness to pitch in), I’m still overly stressed. Its difficult balancing multiple families, activities, schedules and finding a middle ground everyone can be happy with. Compromising is not in everyone’s vocabulary, especially after a major loss. These events make me resentful to my husband for dying. I hate that I don’t get the luxury to sit around and miss my husband. I’m busy trying to fill the void he left. And no, I haven’t found a remedy for this part of the grief process.
I love my husband but at the end of the day, I can’t be him. Being widowed, especially with children, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to keep things the same as when our spouse was alive. After a lot of tears and reflecting, I’ve found I must set limits on what parts of his role I can take on. I’d rather start focusing on what makes our holidays enjoyable together and less “Remember when mom lost her mind over…”.
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***Have you heard about Hope for Widows Foundation’s annual Restoring Hope & Peace Grant program? It was established by the organization in 2019 to help widowed women offset financial challenges as they navigate their healing journey. You can find out details, timeline and the history of this grant here: https://hopeforwidows.org/grant/ All widows based in U.S. and Canada are encouraged to apply. Applications open on National Widows Day, May 3, 2022. For additional questions feel free to email info@hopeforwidows.org ***
About Nicole Jacquez
Nicole “Nikki” Jacquez started her journey in July 2020 when her husband, Jeremy, was diagnosed with stage one pancreatic cancer. Jeremy fought bravely but lost his battle in January 2021. He left behind Nikki, their daughter Mia, and countless friends and family. Becoming a widow at 29, Nikki has made it a priority to help educate and have open discussions about the unexpected in life. Nikki has made it a priority to live life to its fullest and to keep having as many adventures as she and Jeremy would have had together. Nikki is learning to live her next chapter in life and is hoping to help other widows be able to do the same.
A world gone mad. I knew for years I was going to loose everyone. But then these new wonderful people came into my life. No one. I mean no one had any idea we would end up here. There is an expression in story telling. Unexpected and inevitable. Yup. Unexpected. And sadly… a wise man once told me I saw the world as a world where everything is possible but nothing is permanent. And so we are here. I only wish it were not so damn hard.
I hear you and I agree. Wikipedia describes juggling as: a physical skill, performed by a juggler, involving the manipulation of objects for recreation, entertainment, art or sport.
There comes a point in our journey when we realize we don’t want to be a skilled performer meeting the unrealistic expectations of everyone around us. We need to take inventory of what makes sense for us and our circumstances. We should consider what is important to us. Yes, when we are part of a family, we naturally want to consider what’s important to them as we prioritize and strategize. Ultimately, we need to believe it’s okay to let some things go, let some things change, and perhaps even create new things.
The journey through loss and subsequent grief and challenge is never the same for anyone, and it is always in transition. I salute you for realizing you CAN place your focus where YOU are in control.
It has been very difficult to watch my daughter go through everything that she has had to endure. As a mother, the most difficult thing to go through is watching some of life’s most difficult obstacles happen to your child, while realizing that you are helpless to do anything about it. You wish there was a way to take away the pain that they are going through. Nicole has always been determined and strong. If there is a way to do something, she will find it. She is amazing. I have seen her display amazing strength in life’s most trying times.
We are soon approaching the two-year mark when Jeremy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I couldn’t help but relive my own mother, Nicole’s grandma, diagnosis of pancreatic cancer in 2011. This cancer takes far too many lives. As time progresses, I see Nicole doing the best job possible. She is doing a wonderful job raising Mia. While they are still dealing with some difficult days, I have faith that the future holds promise.