When I look at myself in the mirror these days I don’t know the person looking back at me.
I see bags under my eyes that I use tons of makeup to cover. I can’t leave home without painting my face. Most days half of it is cried off before I make it to work. People often say that a person glows when they are in love. That statement is true. When you become a widow that glow changes into grief, loneliness, confusion, and disappointment. Suffering in Silence is real. In all honesty it feels like the longest dream that i wish i could wake up from. Suffering in Silence is something that most of us will do for the rest of our lives. It is a never ending cycle. Twelve months for a widow never ends.
January the month my husband died. All of the world is happy making resolutions they are going to keep. I am grieving remembering the night my husband died in my bed.
February truly missing my husband because it is lovers month. My first year of marriage Valentine’s Day. I received a bag full of Twix and KitKat’s, a card unsigned, and one rose. I laughed when he handed me the bag as I looked inside. I asked why did you get me this as a gift? My husband said to me, you love Twix and KitKats, I was not going to waste money on the box of chocolates when you was going to pick over it. I thought to myself this is the sweetest gift. I told him I how appreciated how much attention he gave me.
March is when he would preach a revival at different church’s. I loved watching my husband preach he was so sexy to me and I admired who he was and how knowledge he was when it came to any aspect of life.
March is when he would preach a revival at different church’s. I loved watching my husband preach.
April a time of the year when it rained all of the time, when it did Kenneth and I took full advantage of it. We cuddled and lit candles, as we enjoyed hearing the rain pouring. Today when I hear rain pouring, I think to myself that my tears flow just as much as it rains.
May the month that we took vacation in Orlando. We would stay in the pool, and site see in the day, and relax in the hot tub at night. This was a relaxing time for us, to love on one another. Now the thought of Orlando did make me happy with him by my side. Now it is just another city.
June I remember the first year we were married I was excited because I made Kenneth a man cave. Florida Gators theme, orange and blue walls, and a love seat lazy boy recliner. He was so happy he was like a kid in the candy store. He called his friends bragging about his man cave. Each year I added a refrigerator in tear two, and in year three I added pillows, a blanket, and decorated the walls. Now my visits are at the cemetery. The excitement is no longer there the man cave is just a room that still holds CD’s, movies, his bookshelf, is used as the storage room.
July My birthday month, a month that I am Thankful to be alive, but the excitement is not the same. I actually lost time after Kenneth’s death I had to do the math to remember how old I was. The last birthday we had together I was sick and all I wanted was a personal pan pizza from Godfathers pizza. The closest Godfathers was 30 minutes away, he went and got the pizza for me and sat with me in the bed and watched Lifetime.
August just another month that I get through without my husband’s guidance and love.
September Kenneth’s birthday month the celebration now is filled with tears and it feels like each year the pain is more unbearable. The birthday celebration now consist of me driving to the Cemetary putting flower and the Florida Gators Flag at his grave site. The worst thing about it is no one else remembers when his birthday is. I suffer in silence.
October is a month I remember buying him a pink shirt, pink socks, and cuff links that said I love my wife. The color pink was in honor of breast cancer awareness. We wore our pink together and I must say we looked good. Now I wear those pink socks every October to remind me of happier times, and how he was not afraid to wear his pink.
November is a month that has a double hurt. Thanksgiving a time to give thanks when it is hard to do because it does not matter how many turkeys, and pies are at the table the seat is empty we’re my husband once sat. November 28, 2015 is the day we were married and I finally knew what true love felt like. Our first Anniversary went sailed on a cruise, Kenneth did not drink, I convinced him to have a glass of wine with me. He even had a them bring a chocolate cake with strawberries to the table. This is also the month we our lives truly started to change two days before Thanksgiving we were in the hospital, and received the news that he needed to have open heart surgery. Now this month is the worst month for me.
December a time for family to share together Kenneth’s routine was he preached at 6:00 am in the morning. He went to Waffle House and came home for us to eat breakfast. One year he cooked the biggest feast for our family and friends to enjoy. Now I stay in the house and suffer in silence hiding from the world because my life has changed.
Now these 12 month for most consist of marking off the calendar as the days go by. Most people plan vacations for the year. Families join together for the holidays to spread cheers of love and joy.
Now that my life has changed 12 months is extremely hard for me, most of the time I suffer in silence wishing that things were different. We all go through our stages of grief, and some how we get through it. As I tell myself often it is okay not to be okay. Don’t let suffering in silence get the best of you. I go a counselor to share my feelings and I write this is what works for me. Find out what works for you to get through the 12 months.
Looking for a way you can make a difference and give back this holiday season? Embrace the spirit of giving by participating in Hope for Widows Foundation’s third annual ‘Bring Hope’ virtual program that directly assists a widow’s family who cannot provide gifts for their children or other necessities during this holiday season. Some widows who are struggling to make ends meet during this time simply do not have the luxury of purchasing gifts when their finances require them to choose between keeping the lights on and food on the table or purchasing presents. Add in the factors of solo parenting, grief, and the emotional and physical toll it takes. If you would like more details on how you can support a widow and her family, please EMAIL US directly for questions at email@example.com or to sponsor, go here for details and to fill out the application. https://linktr.ee/hopeforwidows