Intimacy is what I miss most when I think about my husband Frank.
All the ways two people are intimate with each other doesn’t always involve sex. It’s the little things that make up a life together. It’s the little things that matter.
The intimacy of answering the phone “Hey babe”.
The intimacy of having your own love language.
The intimacy of working in the home office together – him at his desk and you at yours.
The intimacy of being hugged from behind and nuzzled on the neck while you cook dinner.
The intimacy of shared, comfortable silence.
The intimacy of shared secrets and pillow talks at 3am.
The intimacy of matching your pace to theirs as you walk.
The intimacy of finishing each other’s sentences.
The intimacy of doing nothing while sitting in the same room.
The intimacy of falling asleep on their shoulder and them not caring about the drool.
The intimacy of trusting them completely.
The intimacy of buying them a snack at the store anyway even though they said they didn’t want anything.
The intimacy of texting a song with the message “This made me think of you.”
The intimacy of clipping their toenails.
The intimacy of scratching a hard-to-reach place on their back.
The intimacy of knowing when something is worrying them without a word being said.
The intimacy of recognizing their voice in a crowd.
The intimacy of singing (badly) together in the car.
The intimacy of leaving the bathroom door open when you pee.
The intimacy of enjoying each other’s company.
The intimacy of saying “I know you better than you know yourself.”
The intimacy of huddling together under a blanket on the couch or floor.
The intimacy of bringing them breakfast in bed.
The intimacy of noticing their weird idiosyncrasies and nervous habits.
The intimacy of knowing how they like their coffee.
The intimacy of them getting a tattoo of your name on their chest.
The intimacy of saying “I had a dream about you.”
The intimacy of instantly recognizing their handwriting.
The intimacy of calling just because you wanted to hear their voice.
The intimacy of being there for them when they got sick.
The intimacy of wanting them to watch TV in the bedroom even though you are trying to sleep.
The intimacy of saying “Text me when you get home, so I know you’re safe.”
The intimacy of never being late to pick them up from work.
The intimacy of not going out because you want to stay home alone.
The intimacy of falling asleep on a long car ride because you trust their driving.
The intimacy of putting fresh sheets on the bed together.
The intimacy of having the phone in your hand to call them and then it rings. It’s them calling you.
The intimacy of inside jokes.
The intimacy of matching their breathing rhythm while they sleep.
The intimacy of waiting to eat until you can eat with them.
The intimacy of a warm hand in yours.
The intimacy of staying in bed a few minutes longer in the mornings.
The intimacy of being tired together, a head on a chest while falling asleep to the thump, thump, thump of your love’s heart.
I’m sure I could have come up with a lot more, but you get the idea. What are some intimacies that you and your spouse shared?
Let’s keep in touch! If anything resonated with you, please leave a comment below or find me on Instagram @tofrankwithlove
About Joyce Hishaw-Willis
Joyce was born and raised in Oklahoma and is the youngest of sixteen children. She has worked in the education and nonprofit industries for over 15 years. She holds a bachelor's degree in Organizational Leadership.
In the summer of 1983, at the age of sixteen, Joyce met her husband and soulmate Frank and soon after started a family. They were married for over 38 wonderful and adventurous years.
Joyce is a mother to two adult sons, a grandmother to a feisty Leo granddaughter, and a transplant wife and widow after Frank passed away due to COVID-19 complications on August 25, 2021 after receiving a kidney transplant four years earlier. He died exactly one week before her birthday.
Joyce's writings on grief, love, loss, and the beautiful mess in between are an intimate look at life without her husband Frank and how his unexpected and untimely death showed her that nothing in this world lasts forever, even true love, and that life can change in one tragic instant.
You can read more of Joyce’s writings about her beloved Frank on Instagram @tofrankwithlove
Thank you! Your list could be mine. We were married for 36 years. My dearest Jimmie passed on New Year’s, suddenly, five years this December 31st, 2022. It still seems like yesterday because it was so sudden. But what you said were all the ways we enjoyed being with each other. Thank you and may God bless you exceedingly, in Jesus’s precious Name 🕊🙏
Hi Edith,
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Being married for 36 years to your dearest Jimmie, I can only imagine all of the ways you and he discovered intimacy. I’m so happy that my list resonated with you and that you found similarities to your own marriage in them. That is so beautiful to know.
That’s why I love writing these blogs because I get to connect with other widowed people like you. We are all on this journey together, no matter where we are in the process or how long it’s been since losing our person.
May God continue to bless you as well.
Stay hopeful,
J
llo my name is linda i love reading what you said. my husband pasted two years ago and i am very sad and unhappy all the time please help .we were married 47 years..
Hi Linda,
Thank you for reading.
I appreciate you being brave enough to reach out. Losing your husband is something you never get over.
That is so wonderful that you were married 47 years. How special and beautiful! I know you miss him dearly.
I pray you find the strength to keep moving forward.
Be blessed and stay hopeful,
J
The intimacy of making a comment that has a special meaning to both of you and the special smile you share with each other. These are all so good and I can relate to so many of them. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Kati,
Thank you for reading.
It fills my heart with joy that you found so many of the intimacy examples relatable. I’m glad you shared one of your own, too.
In hope always,
J
This resonated with me. I think that’s one of the things that I miss the most. The shared hopes and dreams are no longer shared. The sound of his voice or his breathing or his snoring. Watching him while he reads and thinks ,knowing the moment when he needs your attention. It’s all lost when he’s gone. He knew the deepest parts of how I think, what I feel and no one else does .
Teresa,
Thank you for reading.
What you said is so true. These holidays, especially, have me thinking about all the hopes and dreams that will never come true.
Having someone who knows the truest essence of who you are, flaws and all, and chooses to love you anyway is like no other feeling on earth. It really is the truest intimacy.
Stay hopeful,
J
Although the things that applied for me and Fred are different the sentiment is the same. While I’m sorry you lost your beloved husband, do know that what you wrote resonated with me. Although the world is a sadder and scarier place without my love, I am trying to go on living for him and make him proud every day. I hope both our husbands can see and still feel the love we will always have for them.
Hi Mary Rose,
Thank you for reading.
No matter the dynamics of your relationship with your beloved Fred, I’m glad my words made a connection with you.
I agree. The world is definitely a sadder and scarier place without our husbands in it. I believe they both are watching from above and can see that our hearts are still filled with love for them. That’s why we grieve because the love remains.
Trust me, you are making him very proud.
With gratitude,
J
My gosh. You made me look at intimacy in a different light. This is even good for the living. Joyce your relationship with Frank was/is amazing. God bless you sweetheart that He has given you a way to keep his memories so fresh and active in your life. Thank you for sharing that part of your life with all of us.
Aunt Bev,
Thank you for reading.
You have been such an important person in my life during this time of grief. Your support means so much to me.
You’re right. Any one of these can apply to the living for sure. A relationship is founded on all the things Kay mentioned in her comment below. Without those things, a relationship is toxic AF and doomed from the start. LOL
Thank you, too, my sweet auntie.
Love,
J
That kind of intimacy is only rewarded to couples who have built a life together founded upon respect, honour, appreciation, devotion and unwavering love. Joyce’s writings make me emotional because she gets it. Although she is grieving she taps into memories that are precious and special. I miss the tenderness that was shared with my beloved Martin. We shared all the moments of intimacy Joyce listed. Martin was the joy of my life. I miss him every day. Thank you Joyce.
Kay,
Thank you for reading.
The special bonds we created with our beloved husbands over the years is what makes those intimate moments so rewarding. Now that the holidays are here, I’m missing the intimacy even more.
I’m so happy you enjoy my writings and that you see yourself and Martin in them. It makes me proud that I am able to do that for you.
That’s what this blog is all about – helping other widowed people see that they are not alone, and providing hope along the way.
With gratitude,
J
I love it, it really is what intimacy is 🥰
Anita,
Thank you for reading.
I agree. Intimacy is a lot more than what people think.
With gratitude,
J