Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of buying my home. Somehow that does not seem possible but then I remember that I did not move into the house in June and that is probably why this time has seemed to fly by. It was a major milestone in my path to healing.
My dad likes to say that is when he saw a change in my grieving that day. He probably states that differently, but he has mentioned that he tells people that ask how I am doing. I came to the farm to feed him and disappeared as I walked around and took pictures. That day gave me something positive, it gave me a future, It returned the hope that I had missed, and gave me some moments of healing.
I think back a lot about my journey so far and even though at times I don’t see it I have come so far. Two years ago, I was crying every day mostly in the shower or late at night away from where my grandma was. Last year it was down to one a week or sometimes I would skip a week. Now it is once or twice a month that at night I just need to let it out.
Healing is happening because when I have those grief moments it is not ugly crying it is just shedding some tears and then remembering the past is the past but the future is ahead of me. I am also proud that I can watch movies about grief now and not end up broken by it.
I am a huge fan of Christmas movies and I do not just pick one network I watch all of them. This year there are so many centered around grief and healing. And the ones with widows in them are very accurate to our feelings in the real world.
It is great to see them showing her struggle even if in the end she ends up falling in love with someone else. That is what these movies are supposed to do to give us hope. And although these are not true stories it does still give me hope. I need to figure out how to open my heart up again to give love a second chance.
Hope and peace were the things that I needed to find on my path to healing. Hope for a future that I could no longer see with the darkness that surrounded me. Peace to put what happened that week behind me and to forgive myself. And through the last year. I have learned to put my faith back where it belongs with God.
Healing takes time and you can not rush it. Especially when part of you is missing. At first, getting out of bed and showering seem like a win. Next, you are going back to places you avoided. And now after I finish my online class, I am going to play a game even if I must buy something new.
My healing is not done I still need to figure out how not to compare every guy to Matt. I need to open Steam and just play a game. My inner nerd has been hiding for two years but part of finding myself is letting that side show. Life is happening around me and I am starting to join back in.
One step at a time my heart and soul heal.