Assumptions NOT to make about a widow
(even if you are one yourself).
1) Don’t assume you know exactly how she feels.
2) Don’t assume that because you lost a parent or another loved one, that you understand losing her husband. All losses matter equally and result in grief and sorrow, but each is very different. Even if you are a widow too, you don’t know what it was like for her to be married to her husband. Each loss, each love, each couple is unique.
3) Don’t assume because you lost your husband after many years of marriage and raising your children together that you understand what it is like to lose your husband at an early age with young fatherless children still in the home. Or vice versa, if you are a young widow, don’t assume you know how it feels to lose someone whom you loved and lived life with for so very long.
4) Don’t assume that she can’t feel many emotions at once. Each moment of her life from her husband’s death forward will be a mixture of several emotions. Simultaneous sadness mixed with happiness. Pain can be felt inside while laughing or smiling on the outside. A joyous event such as a graduation will be filled with pride and delight while being mingled with tears and a great sense of loneliness and emptiness. The person that should have been by her side, holding her hand at this event is absent. He misses every moment and milestone, but this doesn’t mean she isn’t thankful for the moments she is still living.
5) Don’t assume she isn’t trying. You have no idea what another person is battling until you walk in their shoes.
6) Don’t assume you can gauge her progress on her grief journey just by watching her. The external can be far different from the internal. “Fake it til you make it” may be her motto to help her survive but that facade may not reflect accurately the condition of her heart and mind.
7) Don’t assume that you can’t talk about her husband for fear it will upset her. She thinks about him every day, maybe even every moment. He lives in her heart. Allowing her to speak of him most often brings comfort to her and honor to him.
8) If she is so blessed to have found another husband to share the next chapter in life with, don’t ever assume that this in any way diminishes the love she has for her husband whom has died. The reality is, she will always love her first husband and nothing can change that, but her heart is able to grow to hold room to love another while still cherishing and holding dear her love for her first husband.
9) Don’t assume she is fine. She likely is facing the day putting up a brave front of survival for her children or other loved ones, but inside it is likely she feels anything but fine. Keep checking on her. Keep offering to help her. Keep listening to her patiently, even if she repeats herself. Don’t be afraid if she just sits at your kitchen table and cries. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
10) Don’t assume that what she shared with you in person (or by blog) is the only thing she feels. If she is venting and describing a particular season of discouragement or is kind enough to be vulnerable and share her pain and brokenness with you, then consider yourself honored to be trusted with a window into a more painful part of her world. Don’t suggest that what she is sharing with you isn’t helpful. Consider instead that being vulnerable and normalizing some of the hardships of the grief process is actually a very helpful thing for many.
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it more likely to be due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.