I’ve been excited about my latest adventure. The local library invited me to have a table with my books at their annual local author fair. I’ve never done it before – never even considered it, mostly because I never considered myself an author. I know I’m a writer. I know I’ve published books, but I guess it’s “imposter syndrome,” because I’ve never put the two together and saw that that equals “author.”
You’d think all I’d feel is happiness. You’d think I’d be excited dreaming up ways to decorate and set up my table. That I’d enjoy googling and coming up with ideas for handouts and book placement. And you’d be right. All those things are true.
Then, around midnight one night, I was creating bookmarks and rack cards. I used to design newsletters, flyers, and other materials as part of my job, so I was back in my element when I decided to design some cards for the author table with poems on one side and photos of my books on the other.
The only thing is… Rick was also a designer, and was much, much better at it than I was. Layout/design was his superpower. And when we formed our website company more than twenty years ago, we always developed ads and marketing materials together. So, as I was designing some of these cards for my table, I went to Vistaprint to order some for the first time in more than a decade. I found my old login credentials, and up popped all the materials we designed for clients and our own marketing events all those years ago.
GIANT GRIEF TRIGGER!
Sure, I plowed through, but in the back of my mind, I saw us working together on so many projects, laughing together, being excited when the print results of our labor were delivered by UPS.
I remembered how we sometimes argued over designs we disagreed on, too. You know, married life. Life together working with someone who was the yin to your yang.
And I forgot how much I miss that aspect of our marriage: the partnership and the fun we had creating things as a team. I want to bounce my ideas off him for my rack cards and signs. Show him my font choices and have him improve them. I want him to come up with some fantastic graphic element I’d never think of.
I want him to work by my side as my team mate and enjoy this little life success with me.
Often, when things are tough, I miss Rick being here to support me. But, more often, I miss him being here to enjoy the good things in life. So, tonight I had a little cry, because tomorrow I will sit at a table autographing books, and my biggest fan, the one who encouraged me to write and praised everything I’ve ever written, won’t be there to enjoy the experience with me.
I know I’ll enjoy the adventure, but I sure wish he was here for the ride.
About Katherine Billings-Palmer
On August 13, 2017, I lost the love of my life. Rick Palmer and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary one month before he died at age 63 of complications from treatments for small cell lung cancer. He was my partner and soulmate, the love I had been looking for and finally found at age 40.
Rick was a talented writer and web designer and, in 2002, we began our own web and print design business. We worked together building the business and enjoyed traveling, writing, and playing together. Our dream was to spend our golden years together doing more of the same, but in the ten months from diagnosis to death, that dream shattered.
After Rick’s death, I quickly realized that the enormity of his loss was too much for me to handle on my own, so I began grief therapy. I also began writing through my grief in a journal of feelings, thoughts, memories, and poetry. As I navigate my new life alone, I share my journey and my efforts towards creating my “new normal” on my personal blog: The Writing Widow. I’m also on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
I've published three books about my grief journey: my poetry book, I Wanted to Grow Old With You: A Widow's First Year of Grief in Poetry, and two books of poetry and prose - A Widow's Words: Grief, Reflection, Prose, and Poetry - The First Year" and A Widow's Words, Year Two: Grief, Reflection, Prose, Poetry, and Hope."
I also published a memoir: "My Story: A Memoir in Poetry and Prose." All my books are available in ebook and print versions on Amazon.com.