September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. I believe it’s so important. And I think those sharing and posting and making it their mission are so important. And, I think they are lacking in the full picture. The messages of “please stay here” and “please stay alive” and “please reach out” and “please get help” discredit my husband’s mental health story, and so, so many others’ stories.
I’ve yet to see a post saying anything about psychosis. I’ve yet to see a post saying how maybe the person has done all they can do and this was still the outcome. I’ve yet to see a post about how they wanted to live but the voices in their head had different plans. Where’s that story? That story matters too.
I hate that there are people that feel so alone, because they are doing all the right things, they are getting therapy and taking the meds and doing all they can, and yet, their mind is still their enemy. I hate that there are people that feel so alone, because they lost their loved one to suicide despite them wanting to live and having lots of future plans to look forward to, and despite doing all the right things, but a split second decision during dissociation created the outcome. When do they, we, me, get to stop feeling excluded in a month that is also their/our story? Because this is so important too.
Psychosis takes many lives. And, it’s sad and hard and unfair. And, it happens. So please, suicide awareness people, talk about this too.
My husband had so many plans for the future. 5 days away, a week away, 4 months away, 2 years, 9 years away. He said often how he wanted to live a full life with me, and watch our boys grow. He was starting trauma therapy so he could heal the childhood trauma that plagued him and hopefully mend and heal some relationships of his past too. He wanted a full, loving life. He did not want to leave. And yet, the voices told him otherwise. Historically, the voices told him the only way to save his wife and his sons was to leave or take his life. He didn’t want this end.
So, please, let’s talk about this too. Psychosis is scary and unpredictable and spontaneous, and suicide from psychosis should be included in this month too. It matters. Mental health matters.
About Cassie Dockter-Reeves
Cassie Dockter-Reeves struggled to write this bio. Who is she now that her husband died? Sometimes she doesn’t know anymore. She is the mother of sweet Everest, her (currently) 15 month old. She is the Mutti to kind Jude, her almost 9-year-old stepson. She is the little sister to 2 awesome older sisters and 2 brother-in-laws. She is the aunt to 2 wonderful nephews and 1 amazing niece. She is the daughter to 2 loving parents who they are lucky to still have. She is the friend that is like family to several. But her favorite thing was being loved by Jonathan, she was most proud of (along with the role of mother) being his wife. His loving her helped her love herself. She doesn’t really know who who she is anymore as she has changed so much since her husband’s death, and it’s too fresh to know, it’s only been 4 months.
Cassie works a full-time remote job as a workforce management analyst. She loves photography and whales and the ocean and the mountains and has recently found the love of reading again. She has the most anxious dog who started her life as a stray and is a mutt (11 breeds in all, yes, she DNA tested her), named Livie after Olivia Benson on Law & Order SVU, because her husband knew her love of that character. They were together 6 years; were a family of 3 with his son Jude for 5 years; a family of 4 eight months after that when we adopted our dog; married in Cannon Beach, OR on July 26, 2021 (yes, because of The Goonies - Jonathan’s ring is engraved with GNSD - Goonies Never Say Die); and became a family of 5 with the unexpected early birth of their son, Everest, on March 24, 2023, who moved mountains to be here after infertility and a high risk pregnancy.
She is a newly single mom, and it’s challenging and rewarding and exhilarating and exhausting. She wasn’t supposed to do this alone. Her husband died from his bipolar disorder with psychosis at the age of 40 on February 29, 2024. And they are slowly learning to live again as a (smaller) family.
You can find her photography at: https://www.instagram.com/photographybycasandradockter?igsh=bGN1a3k4NzRhNTVr&utm_source=qr