Difficult Days Ahead

Since Monty was killed, every day has been difficult. At night in my bed, I surround myself with pillows to mask the emptiness. When I wake up, I force myself to begin my morning routine which is very different. It used to be getting gently awakened by Monty with a cup of coffee in his hand and a sweet smile on his face. Now I shuffle through the room, put on workout clothes, take out my anger on the bike and weights, and shower to angry women music. Breakfast is usually just black coffee, which my son says I can’t call breakfast, so I add creamer. Then I enter the world of work.

Some days are easier than others with their own unique difficulties but, as a widow, most people don’t see me struggling to continue to climb. After two and half years I learned how to work through my obstacles. There are still days when I don’t want to be around people and use ice cream therapy. Watching movies and reading are other coping mechanisms. There are other days when I really need people but reaching out can be the most difficult part.  I’m getting better and know who my go-to people are.

Despite my new morning routine, on workdays, I have a reason to get up. I enjoy what I do, there’s accountability, and my days are filled. I’m fortunate to have great coworkers but there are still times when I must brace myself through a meeting or conversation. Topics like how someone recently died or jokes about death or dying are still triggers for me. This is done innocently so I do my best not to punish them on the spot. I know how important it is not to hold things in but I know my own truth and that helps me get through. Not everyone needs to know how their words impact me. Not everyone deserves to hear my story.

I used to look forward to the weekends and being able to plan things to do with Monty. This involved going outside to fish, hunt, or hike. Other times we would visit family, go to dinner, or listen to a live band. We never wasted a weekend. Now my goals are different. I fill my weekends so I don’t have to be alone. There are times where I force myself to be alone for self-reflection and getting stuff done around the house, which in and of itself, is self-reflecting as I’m doing chores alone that were meant to be done by two.

This is the first time I have truly been alone and I have made all the decisions. I decide where to go and what to eat and what to do. I don’t have to convince anyone else or make compromises. Although very exciting at times, this newfound freedom can also feel like a prison.  I would love to have someone else make plans and surprise me with new experiences.

Monty will always be my true love and that love is what enables me to keep climbing. In the beginning, I pushed back aggressively when anyone would say, “What would Monty want for you?” I felt like people were telling me to replace him. Now I can say of course, he wants me to be happy and to feel loved. And that will come with time. Even if I’m blessed with another someone, that climb is my life and the struggles will continue. They will soften as I heal.

When I think of my healing heart, I envision a broken vase that’s glued back together. It will look like a vase but the broken lines will still be visible under the glue. Be proud of those covered lines. They are evidence of your climb. So, I encourage you to continue climbing, continue healing, continue spending time with yourself, and continue reaching out. Grief is not for the weak and climbing is difficult but you can persevere!

About Diana Henderson

Diana’s heart was shattered on May 6, 2022, when a reckless driver took the life of her husband, Monty, while walking across the street to go to work. Even though they were married for a mere seven years, Monty was her soulmate, best friend, true love, and entire life. They had been friends since 2008 and became one in 2014. The pain was crushing and intense. The future they planned of retirement and “happily ever after” was abruptly brought to an end. And so began the horrible roller coaster ride called Grief along with the new label of Widow.

By God’s grace and with the support of her family and close friends, she has continued to live moment by moment and day by day. She strives to put together the pieces of her shattered heart, knowing that it will never be the same but that it is still capable of love. Through praying, journaling, counseling, and meditating she works through the many phases of grief over and over again. Her hope is that the pain will permanently soften. She will continue to move forward by honoring Monty’s love and memories and becoming the new Diana that Monty will help to create.