Before I became a widow, I looked forward to the seasons. Spring brought a sense of newness, summer created a desire to break away and get near water, autumn was a reminder that things need to be shed and the cycle of life continues, and winter was the beginning of the holiday season—family, friends, and celebration. Now, each season has a slightly different meaning, spring was when Monty was killed, summer is a reminder of how we used to go out on the water, autumn was when we married, and winter feels lonely.
One very cold autumn morning, as I lay in bed searching for the motivation to get up and searching the internet (a new bad habit), I came across a beautiful rendition of “Seasons of Love” from the musical Rent. It’s a movie about young people trying to make it in New York City struggling with paying their rent, sickness, drugs, and death. Intertwined in the movie are beautiful love stories. I was familiar with this song but that morning, I listened carefully.
“In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.
How do you measure a year in a life?
How about love?”
It’s been two and a half years and it is still difficult to look back. At first, the very thought of measuring the past year with love seemed very far-fetched. Monty was not only my husband, but he was also my best friend. So how does one measure a year in life by love without the love of your life?
I looked back searching for the glimmers of love and, to my surprise, they were there. When I was alone, I could sense Monty’s love. It was like energy that surrounded me and embraced me when I felt unlovable. It’s a challenge to put myself out there for love because I feel broken but when I look back, I can see the pieces are beginning to come together. I have not found a love yet; but I have hope.
My faith in God is another example of love. The more I struggled, the closer I felt to God and my resolve to continue living and loving was strengthened. My family and close friends constantly remind me of how much I’m loved. They were there when I needed them and reached out to me even when I didn’t ask.
Although I experienced love this past year, there have also been struggles, disappointments, sadness, and loneliness. I don’t see an entirely happy-go-lucky past year but I can see the potential to continue in love and to use that to measure future years. I say “can” because it’s a choice I must make which can also be exceedingly difficult.
My friendship circle has changed along with my family relationships. I have some new friends and the friendships of my past have been redefined. My family, even the ones I might disagree with, show me so much love and compassion. For the first time, I can now envision the possibility of finding a partner. I’m in no rush. I believe it will happen when it happens but I must be willing to give it a chance.
Receiving love and giving love in many different types of relationships is the foundation of healing. It helps me build my world around the grief I carry and brings me so many moments of happiness. As I encounter each season and look back, I will measure a year by love and use that love to continue my journey.
Support Widows This Holiday Season!
As we approach the holidays, the Hope for Widows Foundation is seeking sponsors for our annual Bring Hope Holiday Program. This initiative supports widows facing financial challenges, helping them provide gifts and essentials for their children during this special time of year.
Want to make a difference? Become a sponsor and bring hope to a widow’s family this holiday season. Every contribution, big or small, helps spread joy and light. For more details and to sign up, visit: https://linktr.ee/hopeforwidows
Let’s make this season brighter together!
About Diana Henderson
Diana’s heart was shattered on May 6, 2022, when a reckless driver took the life of her husband, Monty, while walking across the street to go to work. Even though they were married for a mere seven years, Monty was her soulmate, best friend, true love, and entire life. They had been friends since 2008 and became one in 2014. The pain was crushing and intense. The future they planned of retirement and “happily ever after” was abruptly brought to an end. And so began the horrible roller coaster ride called Grief along with the new label of Widow.
By God’s grace and with the support of her family and close friends, she has continued to live moment by moment and day by day. She strives to put together the pieces of her shattered heart, knowing that it will never be the same but that it is still capable of love. Through praying, journaling, counseling, and meditating she works through the many phases of grief over and over again. Her hope is that the pain will permanently soften. She will continue to move forward by honoring Monty’s love and memories and becoming the new Diana that Monty will help to create.