Nothing can prepare us for what we really go through on this grief journey. No matter if our husband’s death was sudden or if there was a time of anticipatory grief through a long terminal illness, or somewhere in between. No one can feel our individual, personal grief that is as intimate as our relationship with him was. However, thankfully, those who are walking this widow’s path can understand the these mixture of feelings.
A twisting storm of emotions…
deep, cutting, crushing, confusing, disorienting
sorrow & joy
tears & laughter
releasing a breath in a passing moment of calm; “I’ve got this; I can do this”
gulping for air in a clenching vice-grip of pain; “I can’t breathe without you”
accepting the fact that you really have passed on from this world
expecting you to walk through the door because it’s not possible you’re gone
smiling at signs you give of your loving presence
missing your voice, your laugh, your touch, your smile
feeling joy for memories of the years we had together
dealing with guilt about those stupid petty arguments we had
looking through hundreds of photos of you that make me smile
crying a well of tears that there will never be another one taken
admiring the beautiful talent that you expressed through your art
agonizing over the loss that this is all there will ever be
being thankful that you’re relieved of all the pain you suffered
asking God in a dark moment of anger, “why did you take him away”
stumbling as I step forward without you on my life’s uncharted rocky path
falling down bruised and broken because I don’t want to live life without you
living one-moment-at-a-time hoping to make it to the next
striving to grope my way through the darkness of grief just more night
wishing for this tight dark cocoon of pain the release me into a rainbow
hoping I am strong enough to make it through this storm again tomorrow
and thanking God that I will
Photo Credits: Carmen Myrtis-Garcia
About Carmen Myrtis-Garcia
Carmen Myrtis-Garcia has faced her fears head-on while snorkeling the Great Blue Hole of Belize despite her phobia of the ocean, ziplining above a jungle canopy even though she is afraid of heights, walking barefoot across red-hot coals at a firewalking event, or moving alone to a foreign country. She does not consider herself brave, just curious.
The hardest challenge she faced was the suffering and death of her husband, Michael, to pancreatic cancer. Faith, prayer, and community got them through three stays in the hospital in a Third World country 3000 miles from family. Michael died in 2015 following an emergency trip back to Colorado just 3 years after they began living their long-planned for Dream on a little Caribbean Island.
Carmen is a published fiction and non-fiction writer. She is a contributor to Chicken Soup for the Soul and author of Land of Grief; Hope for the Widow’s Journey (devotional; release spring 2025). She is founder of Hope for the Widow’s Journey (private FB group) and Faith-Filled Widows (public FB), and her blog Thoughts-in-Grief. Her mission is to assist over one million widows to live life forward with hope, faith, and healing through her writings, podcasts, workshops, and grief mentoring.
She is the proud mother of two sons and a daughter-in-law and “neena” to two adorable grandchildren. She resides in Colorado and Belize and wanders at times when her gypsy spirit tugs at her.