For the past week we have been dealing with Hurricane Florence here in North Carolina. I live just south of Raleigh and the edge of the storm crossed past us. I am thankful that the only damage I have is a ripped gazebo. There is so much devastation on the coast and so many areas that have flooded. Mother nature is a bitch. I am praying for those who have lost, and families of the lives lost. A mother and 3 month old son died, after tree fell on their house, a 1 year old boy was washed away in flood waters after his mother lost grip of him.
This morning, I finally got to see the blue sky and sun after many days of gray and rain. It reminded me of my life. Oh, The storms that I have weathered.
When Jerry was sick, I thought “We can get through this storm in our life” We will “weather” through it. But just like mother nature is unpredictable, so are the storms in our lives.
When Jerry was admitted to the hospital the last 11 days of his life I thought “They will get him through this, they will stabilize what is going on in his body and get him home”….But the storm kept pounding and pounding our lives. Those 11 days are what still haunt me over a year and a half later and I think they will for a long time.
Then he died, the worst storm of my life. Then I had to see my children’s faces, wipe the tears, plan a funeral, ….live without him. I had to pick up the pieces, make decisions, start all over….without him.
When your spouse dies, it’s the worst storm of all. The devastation and damage is horrible, and it leaves a path of destruction that takes time to recover and rebuild. Things are never the same. But the sun does come out again. I have felt it on my face, I promise you it comes. Its warmth reminds me of a life that I lost, , and teaches me to stop and take it in. When the first smile crossed my face after he was gone. I felt guilt, and sadness but I knew that I had to find the sun again in my life. There is always a ping of guilt and sadness every time I laugh, or have a good day. He is always on my mind, wether in the forefront of my thoughts, or a memory that comes to surface.
The sun eventually came out again in my life. I learned so much from his death, and about myself. I learned about the resiliency of children, and unconditional love. We have been through quite a few storms since then, and sometimes it is just one black cloud over my head that rains down on me for days. I have learned that it is ok to stand in the rain and wind and let it hit you. I never know when it is coming, but it does. Sometimes for weeks at a time, or for just a fleeting moment. But sometimes when I think of Jerry, there is no rain or black clouds. when I think of him, I smile. There is sun. When I watch a video and get to hear his voice, or see his expressions and it fills my heavy heart with sun. He was the light of my life, and our children’s lives.
The storm has passed, but that doesn’t meant that there will not be another. It will rain, it will storm but the sun does shine again.