How do you see your life in 5 years?
I asked myself this yesterday and the answer terrified me. I usually avoid answering it at all costs. I have gotten so accustomed to surviving one day at a time. One moment at a time. Letting myself think of the future only leads to fear, panic, dread,…you get the picture. Sadly, I have to admit that not much has changed in my perspective of the future since my husband died. So how do I see myself in five years? Well, it is an overwhelming anxiety I carry about who will I lose next? A lot of my closest loved ones are 70s and above. I just lost my aunt who was very dear to me. The committal service was today at the exact location where my husband was laid to rest. I hadn’t been there since. So as you can imagine today was challenging for so many reasons.
I fear losing my elderly parents. They are very close to me and huge emotional supports. I can’t imagine life without them in it and my heart is so saddened to see them experience the trials and tribulations of the aging process. In my mind they are always the same and timeless, but in reality, time keeps marching on. In five years will I still have my parents here? In five years will I still be alone? In five years will I feel happy again? In five years will I still be making all parenting decisions alone? By then…. I will be raising pre-teens….then teens. Yikes. Me raising two teenage boys alone. Now that’s a scary thought. Will I still be healthy in five years? And if I am not, who will be here to look out for me and take care of me? What about work, education,?…the list of questions goes on and on. Hardly any answers. Lots of uncertainty. A stomach full of anxiety.
And I am not alone. In life there are countless people experiencing fear and anxiety related to the future for all manner of reasons. People suffering in a variety of ways that I know nothing about. People who have experienced some of the worst and most heart breaking curve balls that life can pitch. People who don’t know if five years from now will even be a possibility let alone five weeks or five days. Life is hard. It seems life is a lot harder for some than others. There always seems to be a handful of the “special people” that nothing really intensely hard ever seems to happen to. Their answer to the question “How do you see your life in five years?” is met with really positive answers like buying a camp on a lake, taking my family on a cruise, having another child, building our dream home, getting that big promotion,. These are the healthy people with married parents, good relationships with siblings and cousins, the opportunity to have as many children as they like, loving marriages, nice homes, good jobs, etc. They don’t realize how lucky they are. They don’t see life as unfair as it really feels like it is to the rest of us. They don’t sit alone on their couches at night without a spouse to hold them and talk to about the day’s events. ……And if you are anything like me….. on your worst days, sometimes you just want to smack these people.
There is a beautiful old song, a hymn by Ira F Stanphill that comes to mind when I reflect on all the unfairness of the present and all the fear of the future. The lyrics go something like. “Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.” At the end of the hard days like today, that really is what it all boils down to. We can’t possibly know what the future holds, but we can know the God who does. We can’t possibly avoid hardships and sorrows in life or pick and choose the trails that are ours, but God promises to never leave our sides in the midst of those storms. Life isn’t fair, but then again if life was truly fair there would be no grace, or no forgiveness of sins, therefore no home in heaven. The weight of the pain of life’s heartaches doesn’t always go away entirely, but we never have to carry the burden of sorrow entirely alone. He is always by our side sharing the load and helping us to keep putting one foot ahead of the other.
Is it hard for you to think about life in five years?
How do you help yourself control fear and stay in the present?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
Image taken from www.canva.com
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
As I lay in bed on another cool, dreary Saturday morning I came across this. It really spoke to my heart. At first I couldn’t imagine 5 years. and now it’s been nearly 8. It took me over 7 to know that I had a future that was worth living, even without Mike. Thank you so much for sharing. My Hope and prayer is that you will come to know that life, is indeed, worth living to the fullest. Whatever that might look like for you. God bless you and your family 💜💪🏼