So far in this journey of grief, I haven’t yet come to the point where I can honestly say I am living a new life. I had the 10 best years of my life with my sweetheart, followed by almost four years of grieving the life I lost, but no living a new life. When loss strikes your life, so does any sense of control of anything, and endeavoring to live a new life requires some sense of control. When you have children they keep you grounded. They anchor you despite your pain and help you not to drift out to sea permanently. Being a solo parent really adds extra challenge to the idea of living a new life though. Add to that the financial struggles that so many widows face, age, exhaustion, lack of support, loneliness, depression, and the many other crazy things that all factor together and living a brand new life can seem impossible.
I struggle with this. Every moment of the future that I will be here on this planet, I wonder if I will always feel like I am not entirely here because the biggest piece of my heart is in heaven. The body is present in the here and now. The heart, mind, soul and spirit are not at all fully present. Pain has eroded all these parts of myself. So how do you take the reins and boldly pursue a new life when you barely know who you are anymore? When you can’t have the couple identity. When you can’t have the wife identity. When you can’t co-parent. When you can’t talk to him. That one just cuts like a knife every time I think of it. I REALLY REALLY miss talking to him about everything. He was my safe, trusted confidant. My empathetic, sweet and caring blessing. Over the years following his death, Sorrow and devastation have left their marks—they really are more like gouges—and then there are days when I realize I don’t even recognize myself anymore. It is like being a new person trying to figure out who you are so that you can hopefully one day figure out how to live a new life again that suits the new you. Except….. I didn’t ask to be a new me. I didn’t want pain to change me. I miss who I was.
The grief process is so rough. You have to fight and fight just to even overcome the tide that tells you that you don’t even want to live a new life at all. You force yourself to smile and pursue people when you’d rather say “go away.” You keep believing what God says even when life doesn’t make sense and His answer to your prayers was “no.” You continue to march on. First the left foot, then the right and you try to stop looking back as much. Afterall, you will never be able to live there again, so why spend so much energy looking back? But yet you must. For the comfort. For the memories and for the brief twinge of happiness when you remember back to a special moment together—The brief lightness of spirit is but for a moment, but it is a precious gift to hold alongside the grief that remains a constant.
These are my thoughts for today.
What is new with your grief journeys this week?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.