Cause and effect. A concept that can have deep philosophical roots or a surface level fundamental basis. When something as tremendous as a spouse passing away happens, we often want to point fingers. Why did this happen? Who made this happen? How did this happen? Where can I place the blame to bring justice to my loved one? It is hard for us to just accept the answer of “just because,” so we overwhelm ourselves and work endlessly to find resolve. Yet, when we find that domino pusher, we become stuck in cycles of scorn, misery, and resentment.
I must admit that when Paco passed away my sadness quickly turned to anger. How could it be that this 33-year-old man could one day receive the prognosis of “don’t even worry yourself, it will be easily taken care of,” to a few weeks later I am burying him. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t logical. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. I was fuming. As with many educated hands and eyes that were laid on Paco you would think we could have at least been given a head up as to what was coming. But no. My very first inclination that my husband was dying came the day Paco was admitted to the hospital. When a doctor stood in front of us and said, “he would not walk out of this hospital alive.” That doctor was absolutely correct; my husband would die under 48 hours later. My upset wasn’t focused on this poor bad news breaker, but on all those before him that could have just told us the magnitude of the situation so we could at least prepare or fought harder. In the aftermath, I was enraged and filled with endless questions for the ones we trusted with Paco’s health before this point of no return. I felt as if I was the only one who took his diagnosis seriously. I was frustrated with wanting redemption for Paco but not having the know-how to do it.
Being angry requires a great deal more energy than one might realize. I found myself exhausted from scheming, from trying to hatch plans of serving justice or finding the final boss in this sick game. I was so spent that it was taking away from my ability to function normally and be able to see positivity. I finally came to the ultimate solution to this issue: forgiveness. The silly thing about it was that these people did not even know that I was upset with them. Was I petty and sent the doctors copies of Paco’s obituary with no other letter attached, yes (which I am sure went straight into the garbage from the secretary’s desk). Besides this passive action, there were no indications to the medical staff that there was this widow on the outside burning with hatred towards them, blaming them for the demise of her husband. It all came down to this; if I wanted my energy and sanity back, I would need to forgive the very people who unknowingly robbed me. So, I did. I had to reach deep into my faith, into my moral toolbox, to find the courage and willpower to do such a thing. But I found on the other side that I could finally breathe. I could finally move on through my grief journey, instead of being cemented in a never-ending cycle of anger and sadness.
What I soon came to realize was that the most deserving individual of forgiveness was myself. It would also turn out to be the hardest mercy to deliver, and one that I still struggle with day in and day out. I was so angry with myself that maybe I had not done enough, not fought hard enough. That I had not saved my husband. That I had taken my husband thousands of miles away from his family. That Paco’s mother sent a healthy man with his life ahead of him to America, just to pass away six months later. The guilt was debilitating, and some days still is. Forgiving yourself may be the hardest hurdle to jump over in your whole life. It is also a hurdle that continues to appear, with different lengths of time in between. Yet, if we do not jump over that hurdle, we are encapsulating ourselves in the past without the ability to move forward. My faith is what made it possible for me to leap higher than I could ever imagine. My family’s (which very much includes Paco’s family) constant reassurance lifted me even higher. I cannot thank them enough for that.
I cannot promise you that forgiveness is easy, but I can promise you that it is freeing. Allowing yourself to forgive the ones who wronged you, and especially forgiving yourself, is like opening French doors to the rest of your life. I urge you to let both of those doors swing open, allowing the sunshine in. Allowing the possibility for healing and freedom from your own shackles. It is not a simple task, and you do not have to take on that burden alone. Having a support system that knows your internal struggles and reassures you of the realities makes a world of difference. Faith in God was and continues to be my biggest comfort, but I am sensitive to other’s belief systems and encourage you to follow your personal convictions. I pray that you are able to find the avenues necessary to reach forgiveness for those in your cause-and-effect scenario, but ultimately yourself. I pray that you can experience freedom. I pray that you can be free at last.
About Shanna Puckett-Anguiano
Shanna Puckett-Anguiano lost her husband after just four short months of marriage on October 1st, 2024. Shanna and Paco Anguiano were in a long-distance relationship for nearly four years prior to their marriage, as Paco was from Chiapas, Mexico. Shanna and Paco did not let the stigmas and hardships of the K1 visa come between their strong bonds. Anyone who truly knew this couple would quickly correct anyone’s doubt, with even Shanna’s father expressing his thoughts at Paco’s funeral saying, “every father’s wish is for their daughter is to find a man who loves them unconditionally, and that is exactly the man Paco was.” Paco was diagnosed with synovial sarcoma on September 20th, 2024, which coincidentally was also Shanna’s 30th birthday. Paco lost his life unexpectedly to that cancer 11 days later, a week before treatment was scheduled to begin.
Shanna continues to reside in her small hometown, located in the upstate of South Carolina. She is accompanied at home by her two dogs (Indi & Suki) and two cats (Es & Sister). Shanna has been a court reporter for the past 5 years and serves as chairperson of children’s ministry at her home church. She is currently in the process of obtaining additional certifications to continue moving up in her career. Shanna has developed a donation drive in her husband’s name in celebration of his birthday in the month of July called Paco’s Smile. This drive collects material and monetary donations for her local county cancer association. Shanna is an advocate for mental health, cancer awareness, and over all kindness being spread throughout the world. She prays to carry on the legacy of her husband, Jose Francisco Ovando Anguiano, by showing grace, gratitude, and a toothy grin just as he did every day.