Who am I now?

When the baseline…the normal or default setting of your life is happiness, it can tend to be fairly easy to feel a certain lightheartedness in living day-to-day. When you are so in love….it is even easier to literally feel like your heart is soaring and your feet barely touch the ground. But when you are a widow…. Oh man, how hard it is to just “lighten up.”

My dear Aunt, a widow of 2 ½ years spoke with me on what would have been her 55^th wedding anniversary. She told me my Uncle wouldn’t even recognize her anymore now that she has fully learned how to live independently and has needed to have strength in so many areas. She shared she didn’t even recognize herself anymore. I totally relate to that sentiment. So often I think of myself as almost a totally different person than the young married woman I once was. I lost myself and I don’t know where to find me. I think really what I lost was my most favorite, most authentic version of myself. The one in which my husband brought out my best and most genuine qualities. The one in which we shared a common vision and built a life together that we shared. The one where my heart had a safe haven in him and only him. A special bond of trust. A place to be vulnerable and love unconditionally and to love someone else in a way so strong and so pure like nothing I had every experienced. I sure do miss that part of me. I still ache for me soulmate.

I watched a celebrity interview, in which this famous singer said that once you lose a loved one and experience grief, your youth ends. The weight of the death of someone precious to you is so heavy that it can’t help but permanently change you and make you forever an “adult.” My husband and I were mature and responsible people of strong faith but essentially just big kids at heart. Without him here I don’t have my best friend to join me in my silliness and fun carefree adventures. I don’t have the one who really “got me,” because we were so much alike. I don’t have his steady humor to make me laugh until I cry. I really miss that. He always had a way of lifting me out of my stress or helping me laugh my way out of the times I took life too seriously. He really was my medicine in a sense. The bible talks about merry hearts being medicine and for sure…..his daily doses of humor were just what I needed in my life. Life is rough without him in it and I would be foolish to try to sugar coat it. The loving, charismatic, hilarious gift to the world that is my husband is no longer in the world but I try to bring myself and my children some comfort by picturing all the love he had and has for us is still here. Daddy’s love for us doesn’t leave, it is still in our hearts and we carry it forward until that one special day when we can finally be set free from the burden of grief and be reunited in heaven.

Do you ever feel like you don’t recognize yourself anymore now that you are a widow?

In Hope & Prayers.

From This Widow Mama

Image from www.canva.com

Mark Your Calendars!   The Hope for Widows Foundation’s annual virtual Widows of Hope 5K is back! Join us virtually from Friday, May 8, through Sunday, May 10, 2026. This event is open to all whether you’re a widow, widower, a friend or family member showing support, or participating in honor of a loved one or cause. Your involvement makes a real difference, with all proceeds directly benefiting widows through our Restoring Hope and Peace Grants, Sunshine Boxes Program,and Bring Hope Holiday Assistance Program. To register, support and find FAQs here: https://linktr.ee/hopeforwidows plus Sponsorship opportunities are available! If you or a business you know would like to support, we’d love to connect. Go here: https://hopeforwidows.org/5k-sponsorship/