I’ve been on this journey long enough to know that time does not heal this kind of grief. Things become softer, not as raw as in the beginning, but missing him and our life together continues even as I move forward. I never expected there to be part of a widow’s grief that can grow deeper and more difficult as the years go by. Loneliness. It’s one of the silent side effects of spousal grief.
I don’t mind being alone. I just hate feeling lonely. I still often feel this way years after his passing, even while enjoying time with family or friends or doing fun new things. There is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I enjoy time alone while reading, gazing at sailboats drifting by on a peaceful sea or listening to a symphony of birds on a mountain trail. I don’t mind eating out on my own at times or going to the movies by myself now and then. I’ve always preferred to be left alone in my kitchen preparing meals. I just don’t like not having my husband to share them with. I love the adventure of long road trips singing along to favorite songs, but I’d feel safer and have more fun if he was with me.
We had things we liked doing alone or with friends, but we were always happy to come home to each other. We loved being together. We often worked together and we played together. We were, as he used to say, “like peas and carrots, forever.” Or as a verse in I Sam 18 says, “our souls are knit together.”
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, grief counselor, author and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, over many years discovered there are, indeed, soulmate or “twin flame” relationships. The loneliness from the death of a soul connected loved one is profound. It can actually trigger the medical condition of Broken Heart Syndrome. The void created when a part of your heart-and-soul leaves this earth can last a lifetime.
The emptiness of his departure may remain even as you enjoy new experiences, make new friends or enter into a new relationship. It’s like walking on an unsteady tightrope above a dark chasm without anyone else around. Studies show that more than 40% of widows and widowers feel this kind of ongoing grief loneliness. It’s a normal part of spousal grief, but there are keys to help it from becoming mentally or physically disabling or turning into chronic depression.
1) Acknowledge your feeling of loneliness. Denying it or trying to suppress it can cause mental or physical distress over time.
2) Seek supportive and encouraging widows through grief groups in person or online. You are not the only one who feels this way. It helps to talk about it with those who understand.
3) Avoid trying to distract yourself with dopamine rushes. It’s fine to binge watch a series or scroll through social media at times. But don’t let these become crutches. You feel this deep loneliness because you naturally miss the one you love no matter how much time passes.
4) Ask yourself, “who am I now”? When your spouse dies, it changes you. Part of your loneliness includes missing the part of yourself that left when he died. Ask “how can I pick up the pieces and “live” again.” It is not easy but try to find excitement and a sense of purpose in discovering a new you.
5) Let go of any guilt feelings. Life still goes on without him. What can you continue doing that you enjoyed doing together? What are some of your own things you’ve thought of doing or dreamed of. Maybe now is the time. Enjoying new experiences, discovering something new about yourself, learning new things, moving to a new location, having fun, and even possibly opening your heart to a new relationship is in no way betraying him.
This grief journey continues to be a day-by-day process. Accept that the loneliness due to missing the life you had with him may last a lifetime. But it does not have to morph into depression, anxiety, isolation, or disconnecting from life.
Your loved one has passed on, but you are still a human on this earth with life to live. Try to understand that your loneliness stems from profound love. It is an offshoot emotion of grief. Learn to control it rather than letting it control you.
What is something that you actually like doing alo
ne? Do it. Is there something, even a small thing, that gets you excited like a hobby or planning a trip? Each night give yourself credit for the strength and faith that gets you through each day. My guess is that we widows may always feel some degree of loneliness on this grief journey. Don’t let it wear you down, Decide to rise above it and “live” life as best as you can.
Note: I am not a psychologist or medical professional. I am sharing my own thoughts and experiences that may be helpful to others. Seek counseling or professional help if needed.
Photos: Pixabay: Antranias and TheVirtualDenice
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Mark Your Calendars! The Hope for Widows Foundation’s annual virtual Widows of Hope 5K is back! Join us virtually from Friday, May 8, through Sunday, May 10, 2026. This event is open to all whether you’re a widow, widower, a friend or family member showing support, or participating in honor of a loved one or cause. Your involvement makes a real difference, with all proceeds directly benefiting widows through our Restoring Hope and Peace Grants, Sunshine Boxes Program,and Bring Hope Holiday Assistance Program.
To register, support and find FAQs here: https://linktr.ee/hopeforwidows
If you or a business you know would like to support, we’d love to connect. Go here: https://hopeforwidows.org/5k-sponsorship/
