Sharing The Loss
So how do you explain to someone new you meet that you are a widow? When do you say it? Do you wait for someone to ask an awkward question that they don’t even realize they are stepping into, or do you try to take control of the situation and beat the person to the punch and share in a condensed fashion a little summary or your personal tragedy? These are the things I ask myself. I still haven’t figured out a system that seems to work. On a more “griefy day” I couldn’t begin to have the emotional fortitude to assertively share the depth of my pain with a new person, at least not without breaking down before them and completely losing composure. On other days the anxiety of wondering how or when it will come up seems to just stress me out, and even though I think I am expecting it, somehow the questions still take me off guard.
Recently, I visited a new church and the young pastor chit chatted with a me and a friend and my two little boys just a bit after. Mainly just to say hi to my youngest and to ask if I would like to be on the church announcement email list. I was about to gather the kiddos to leave and then quite randomly he asked “So what does your husband do for work?” I felt a little out of breath and a stab in my heart. It is the stab I have grown quite familiar with over these almost three past years. My tears were instant and with a soft and shaky voice, I told him “he is in heaven.” To which he replied “I am sorry to hear that.” and then I in tears said “I am sorry to live it.” Not exactly what I would have planned as my ideal two sentence summary of my story. Certainly not the set of emotions I wanted to unleash right before leaving church in front of so many new people. Needless the say, the tears flowed recklessly and the pastor was extremely apologetic.
I recently heard a beautiful lyric from a Broadway show based on the story of The Notebook. The lyric states, “You are my home. I want to go home.” I feel like this is exactly what my heart cries out to the watching world each and every day. It is always on my mind. It is always in my heart. A longing for the one I love. A yearning to continue to be attached, to continue to be forged together as one, and an ever present feeling of being so very lost and so far away from the safe and secure “home” that I knew. Maybe that is why no matter how it is handled, explaining the devastation of the loss of the greatest gift God ever gave me is never easy. Perhaps it never will be? I don’t know.
How do you handle these situations?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
‘I am sorry to live it’ is a powerful response! You aren’t alone. It is so difficult to share being a widow, the few times I’ve had to share that it’s been met with very little response. I suppose people don’t really know what to say. I do know they can’t comprehend the loss my kids and me endure every day. It’s a loss no one can really understand unless it’s happened to them.
My husband died from bacterial pneumonia, septic shock and a brain tumor. He died with three weeks from diagnosis in April. Most days it seems that time has just stood still. We had been married 54 years and were each other’s best friend. Wondering when to do things like give away clothes, etc. the universe sent the message. Our small community suffered a flash flood with the poorest neighborhood losing so many belongings ruined in foul water and mud. I gave my husbands clothes to two different folks who I knew needed help. What I didn’t prepare myself for was seeing them in his clothes. Today when I needed a repairman, he appeared in my husband’s favorite polo shirt & cargo shorts at my door. Phew, I must view this as a message from my husband I think. What do you think? I’m living day by day some are easier than others unlike today.