Excuse me God,…. I would like to make a return. Where is your customer service desk? You see, this isn’t the life I ordered. It isn’t the life I worked for, planned for, hoped for or prayed for. Could I please exchange it for the one I wanted?…Do you ever wish life was more like shopping at a department store or exchanging a dress you were given for Christmas that didn’t fit for a new one. Oh if only life were that simple. It seems that the longer I live as a widow, the more I realize that my new normal is living with without. Every moment of everyday, I carry a sense of emptiness. Pleasant moments are tainted with a constant ache that something is always missing. Challenges are made harder by that lingering sense of unsettledness and aloneness that cannot be shaken. Certain times of the year, the sense of without grows from a weight that though uncomfortable, can be carried, now upgraded to the size of a mountain of despair. This is the reality of grief. No matter how far ahead in life I move forward, or how many changes I make or positive choices propel me onward, I will still be trying to find a way to live as comfortably as possible with without.
Without Chris. Three years in and I still have trouble even typing that. I still don’t want to look to any future that he isn’t a part of. Of all the things I could have selected to face as a trial in life, losing Him would have been the absolute last thing I would have chosen. But it doesn’t work that way. We get no choice in this life. We can’t make returns. We don’t control death and we can’t undo it. So what choice can I make? Today is a new day and once again I will be living with without.
Without the other half of me.
Without the life I imagined.
Without by best friend.
Without our plans and dreams fulfilled.
Without his leadership, unconditional love, and uplifting humor
Without the safe place that helped me through so many of life’s challenges.
Without the sense of being a “real” complete family.
But I can choose today to put my faith in the God who knows all and doesn’t make mistakes. In God who is in ultimate control and stands outside of time, able to know the abundance of good things He can accomplish through this tragedy that I will never know. I can carry the without like a treasure instead of a burden and when those triggers attempt to undo me, I can try to shift my focus to being thankful for the memories we had together and the gift of the years we shared. I can remind myself to count my blessings in this day. And greatest of all, I can rejoice despite the emptiness of the Christmas season without Chris, because thanks to that sweet little baby born in a manger, a way was made to one day be with Chris and all my loved ones in heaven again for all eternity. There I will finally be able to lay down the without once and for all and enjoy sweet reunions and a feeling of being whole and complete like I have never known before.
My prayers are with all of you truly AMAZING widows of all ages this Christmas season. Widows with no children. Widows with grown children and widows laboring wearily raising their little babies alone this Christmas season, trying to make good traditions and paint a happy face on when inside you feel like you are broken and barely able to stand. I see you. And God sees you. Please know that you matter. You are loved. You are doing a good job.
Merry Christmas!
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.