When Tim first passed away, I was numb. I went through the motions; making funeral arrangements, accepting condolences from friends and neighbors who stopped by and ultimately getting through the funeral service. That numbness stayed with me for at least a month or two before emotions began to overtake that numbness. Sadness and anger became the emotions that came over me at random. I was angry at where I was in my life, one without my best friend and soulmate.
The daytime hours were not so bad; I could busy myself with work, tasks to be done and not get wrapped up in my anger and grief. However, it was the nighttime hours that would haunt me. My mind would not turn off and emotions overtook me in the wee hours. I questioned every single thing that had happened and what would become of my future. My mind was at a constant battle within itself; leaving me sobbing uncontrollably and feeling angry, lonely, and utterly lost. I prayed for sleep to come and give me some relief. Some nights relief came in the form of sleep and on others, my mind just held me hostage in memories and so many mixed emotions.
I learned that it was part of the journey of healing. As the months went on, the nights began to get better. Speaking to Tim out loud, I began to let him know that I was angry, that I missed him, and that this was not the way life was supposed to turn out. I began reaching out for his guidance, a reassurance that even though he wasn’t physically here, he was still with me every day. I realized that accepting his death was going to take time.
There is nothing easy about the process of grief. Unless you have gone through it, you have no idea how you are going to react to it. When our minds are filled with anger, shock and a deep sadness, it eats up our energy so that there is no room for anything else. When the reality sets in, it may feel like you are grieving all over again. Be patient with yourself in these moments and open yourself up to what you are feeling.
Keep telling yourself that you are doing your very best to get through what is a tough time and that there is no one that can tell you how to move forward. There is no how to guide to get through the emotions that come with grief. It is something that you will end up figuring out for yourself. Some days will be better than others, but the key is to be patient with yourself and to take those steps, even if they seem to be baby steps. Just one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
About Sue Entner
Sue met her husband online, in a single parent chat room group. They communicated for almost a year before Tim flew to meet her in person in December 1999. Once they met, they knew they were inseparable and Sue moved from Florida to Iowa in early 2000 with her young daughter. Tim and Sue were married in September 2002. Sue was well aware of the various medical issues her husband had endured and one of them was knowing he could need a 2nd kidney transplant. It was a private joke between them, with Sue always saying, I have a spare, so you can have one of mine. In February 2004, they got the news that indeed Tim needed a 2nd kidney transplant. They held out hope for a miracle and they got it – in the form of a match between Sue and Tim. In June 2004, they underwent the kidney transplant and it looked like his health was going to take a healthy turn.
Unfortunately Type 1 diabetes does not discriminate and Tim continued with complications from that. Not only diabetes, but because of some of the anti-rejection medications that he was on, he developed various skin cancers. They battled this together, through radiation and surgery and a second surgery when the cancer came back 8 months later. Together through it all, they raised their daughter, whom Tim had adopted and enjoyed life with Tim’s son also. They ran a successful business together and Sue also maintained a job first as a language interpreter for the local hospital, then as the office administrator for a local business. Life seemed to be going well, watching the children grow and welcoming grandchildren into the family.
2017 became the year that everything would change. In March 2017, Sue’s father passed away from a sudden cardiac arrest. In August of that same year, Tim’s father passed away from complications of a broken hip. And as if that weren’t enough to try and endure and get through the grieving process, Tim suffered a cardiac arrest in October 2017 from complications with an infection in his bloodstream. In that moment, Sue’s world came crumbling down and she was now faced with not only the grief of her family members, but her very best friend and husband.
Reading was always her passion, but she started to write in order to get through the grieving process. Journal upon journal of entries has helped her on this journey to discovering herself, growing and grieving. Sue has shared her journey through grief through several widows groups on social media, meeting other widows in person and trying to let others know that they are not alone. She looks forward to sharing her hope, courage and continued journey so that it may touch someone else out there struggling through the same issues.
Sue can be found on Instagram and Twitter as BrunetteSuzyQ
Thank you for being so brave and writing your thoughts, it spoke to me. I thought something was wrong because I hardly ever cried when my husband first died. I am in the second month and am crying a lot.
You were such a great addition to our family and a perfect match. God’s plan is the best plan!
Sue….I love that you are doing this…stay strong and carry on…my phone is always on too…..I’m not sure what is harder , a sudden death or watching your family or friends suffer into their next journey….i have had both in my life….