I read a news article yesterday, and the reporter stated that the widow was “still“ struggling with her grief one year later. And that word, still bothered me so very much. Upset me greatly. Of course she is “still“ struggling with her grief. It has only been a year.
“Still”
Of course she is still struggling. Anyone who has suffered a great loss can tell you that you never stop grieving. Grief stays with you forever. It doesn’t necessarily get easier, we get better at handling it.
Why is it that our society thinks that we should miraculously recover from grief after only 365 days? When did that become the norm? How are we expected to forget and move on like it never happened? Why is it OK to judge someone for missing the person they loved?
That’s why as a widow I share my story. I want people to understand that grief is forever. Yes, we pick ourselves up and move forward. We continue to live. And we can be happy again. But we never forget. We always struggle with our loss. That’s part of grief.
Grief, like love, lasts forever.
Grief is not something we get over. It is something we do our best to get through. Through each minute. Each hour. Each day. Each month. Each year. Sometimes we are successful and sometimes we are not.
It has been 6 1/2 years since my late husband died and for the most part, I am in a really good place. I am happy. I love my life. Like who I have become. But there are still moments that take my breath away. Knock me to my knees. Make me miss him with every fiber of my soul. There are things that happen, things that people say, that make me feel as if his death just occurred yesterday.
“Still”
I still grieve. I will mourn his loss forever. On the anniversaries. On holidays. When our son excels, achieves great things. On birthdays. On the ordinary days. I still wish he was here. I wish Jared could see how well our son and I are doing. That he could see the amazing young man our son has become. He would be so proud. When it comes to our son, that is when I miss Jared most. Grieve our loss.
Grief is not something we ever get over. It is something we live with every day.
About Carla Duff
Carla always knew she would be a widow but didn’t have any idea how it would actually feel. When Carla met her late husband Jared, he was waiting for a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic disease affecting the lungs and pancreas. So she knew that most likely someday she would say goodbye to her husband. But she never dreamt it would be exactly one week before their 14th wedding anniversary. In August 2014, Jared was diagnosed with a rare bacterial infection in his transplanted lung and was expected to survive at least 6 months if not a year. Instead, he died just 6 weeks later. And in the blink of an eye, Carla became a solo mom to their 10-year-old son. And even though her life was forever marked before and after, she was determined to live life to the fullest because her husband would expect no less.
She founded Breathing for Jared, a Foundation to provide college scholarships to those suffering from lung disease in honor of her late husband. Became a supporter of the CF Foundation and Donate Life. And discovered that writing out her emotions and fears on her blog Transplant Wife and Widow helped her to process her grief
Carla recently remarried and is now blending a family with her new husband, bonus daughter, and son.