Lately I have been sucked into a very intense grief storm. Every time I think I can breathe again, another wave comes crashing in. Even after reaching out and utilizing my resources, I am still left with an unshakeable thought: I want to quit.
Quit what, exactly? I’m not sure. I want to quit grieving. I want to quit hurting. And I want to quit waking up to an empty bed and a broken heart.
Thank goodness for the small rays of sunshine that poke through the clouds every once in a while. Without the promise of those moments of respite and the knowledge that I have survived these feelings before, I’m not sure where I would be.
It’s times like these that I have to take some extra time for myself. I have to do a self-check and figure out how to satisfy some of the unmet needs that are no doubt causing me to spiral uncontrollably through the sadness.
Oftentimes the answer is twofold: exercise and nature.
When the pain feels insurmountable, I head out for a “grief walk”.
Luckily, I live in an area with tons of walking paths through beautiful forest preserves. The ability to connect back to the root of who I am, who we all are, as living and breathing creatures is something that I try not to take for granted.
Recently, I went for a walk knowing that there was an impending rain storm. I thought I would have enough time to get where I wanted and back before it started, but the wind blew the storm in quicker than anticipated and I got caught.
So, for a good twenty minutes, I went for a walk in the rain.
And it was one of the most comforting and cleansing experiences I have had so far on this journey.
Feeling the droplets land on my face, roll down my cheeks and fall to the ground reminded me of all of the minutes, hours and days that I have spent crying through my pain. It was like the universe was crying for me this time. And each tear from Mother Nature, as it was rolling down my skin, was washing the agony away.
By the time I made it back to my vehicle, I was thoroughly drenched. And starting to get cold.
But finally, finally, finally I felt alive again.
I was refreshed and renewed.
From grief storm to nature storm.
I went for a walk in the rain. And broke free from the grips of sorrow.
About Emily Agruss
On September 9, 2016 at the age of 29, my whole world turned upside down. My husband, Joshua, died unexpectedly and I was thrust into the world of widowhood after only one year and 4 days of marriage. I have been navigating this journey with the help and support of many in the widowed community and I look forward to sharing my experience, strength and hope as I continue traveling through life.