I’m trying to decide if I’m lovable…What a weird concept right?
When I say that though it’s not like I don’t have friends or I don’t have family that cares about me.
I do. I have all of that. I just don’t know how someone loves a widow to the depth that a widow loves at.
You know what I mean?
How the fact that I am a widow is a FACT.
It will remain that way FOREVER! This is a forever thing. Even after I am gone my great grandchildren will hear that I was a widow and they will be mortified that I had a blog.
Lol oh god.
I just feel like all the petty shit that once ruled my marriage
I won’t let that happen again and so when you love with something so pure, so selfless. How does another person meet you there?
How do you?
Not that I feel like it needs to be a different kind of love…I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not corrolated to a specific instance or person.
I’m just wondering how …. How I am going to live?
At this point I know that I am going to live. At some point I’ll die and that’s ok. I feel like I would die with minimal regrets. Only for the harm I have caused others but nothing left against myself. I fully own my entire life. Some of it has been horrible horrible choices.
I know that
Please don’t think that I don’t.
I also know that I am going to want to find love. I think most widows do. They know what marriage is good or bad. They know the value of time and they want to give that to someone.
I mean grief is the absence of love!
I don’t know. I just…. I guess I’m worried that I’ll never be normal. Atleast normal enough that I could have a lifelong best friend again.
I should probably just adopt a dog.
It’s settled I’ll get a dog.
Holy shit Jess you’re a fucking mess