I’m trying to decide if I’m lovable…What a weird concept right?

When I say that though it’s not like I don’t have friends or I don’t have family that cares about me.

I do. I have all of that.  I just don’t know how someone loves a widow to the depth that a widow loves at.

You know what I mean?

And how

How the fact that I am a widow is a FACT.

It will remain that way FOREVER!  This is a forever thing. Even after I am gone my great grandchildren will hear that I was a widow and they will be mortified that I had a blog.

Lol oh god.

I just feel like all the petty shit that once ruled my marriage

I.

I won’t let that happen again and so when you love with something so pure, so selfless. How does another person meet you there?

How do?

How do you?

Not that I feel like it needs to be a different kind of love…I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not corrolated to a specific instance or person.

It’s.

I’m just wondering how …. How I am going to live?

At this point I know that I am going to live. At some point I’ll die and that’s ok. I feel like I would die with minimal regrets. Only for the harm I have caused others but nothing left against myself. I fully own my entire life. Some of it has been horrible horrible choices.

I know

I know that

Please don’t think that I don’t.

I also know that I am going to want to find love. I think most widows do. They know what marriage is good or bad. They know the value of time and they want to give that to someone.

I mean grief is the absence of love!

I don’t know. I just…. I guess I’m worried that I’ll never be normal. Atleast normal enough that I could have a lifelong best friend again.

I should probably just adopt a dog.

Not yet!

It’s settled I’ll get a dog.

Holy shit Jess you’re a fucking mess

Lovable

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Jessica Trobaugh

On October 11th 2016 at 2 am I became a widow. I was 28. Married for one year but together for almost four, we had two amazing children (5 months & 2 at the time). We had built a life together in the time we had, overcoming numerous obstacles and walking away victorious as long as we stuck together. When he died so did the Jess that was his. In November of 2016 I began writing. This is something I had NEVER done or thought of before. For me the exploration of language is incredibly therapeutic. Writing strictly stream of thought, I have found a citadel in the storm expressing my truth and sharing with fellow widows/widowers who understand the waves completely. I have become stronger, braver, and realer than I ever knew I wasn’t. Continuing on this path I am forever optimistic even as I sob in bed at night. I just know there is a reason. I have to believe there is or this pain would be far too much. I am an open book at this point and grateful for the courage to continue. I want to bring light to the stigma of widowhood and the ignorance of the true daily struggle. I feel blessed to be able to share my story with you and hope that together we can find a deepening rejuvenation in the dark. You can follow more of Jessica’s journey at www.theoptimisticwidow.com

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