Today is February 13, 2018, and for me, that means that it’s been 506 days being a widow and without My Devan. I tossed and turned all night long which happens quite often only to wake up at 5:08 am. So I began talking to GOD in that moment as I do every morning. Knowing that I needed to try to fall back to sleep because I had a Dr’s appt in a few hours.
Falling back to sleep for a couple of hours I have awakened again this time due to a dream. Now I am a heavy dreamer I dream every night and I can recall 98% of them. This dream involved a snake, now I know that most people think that dreaming of a snake can seem like something bad. However, that’s not necessarily true. Only the dreamer truly knows what the dream means to them. Nonetheless, it woke me up.
Today was my yearly check-up with my Gynecologist and I was thinking about how my husband would sometimes go with me to these visits. Now again some may say “Woah, you guys did that together” Lol. Being that I am also a Breast Cancer survivor my husband just liked attending follow up visits with me. So walking into another one without him just feels so unfair. Which brings up all the feelings of “why him, why me, why us, why now”? And guess what I heard? Why NOT you?
Of course, I have a lot of answers to that question I can think of a million reasons “why not me” however, my reasons will not change what is. So now what? Now, I continue to put one foot in front of the other while trusting the complete process of it all. Is it easy? Nope, it isn’t easy at all. How will I do it then? “Moment by Moment” The good news is that I don’t ever have to do it alone. I don’t ever have to figure out my next steps (which sometimes I try to do) because GOD has already planned that out for me.
I know this may seem hard for some to understand because they may feel like “if GOD is who you say he is why would you be a widow at such a young age especially when your husband was taken unexpectedly”. Well, my answer is this GOD is GOD and he needs no help from me being who he is. See some people believe that GOD is good only when they have what they want. And the truth is that God is good all of the time even when it doesn’t feel good to us. I will forever trust him with my entire life. We all have a purpose in this world and me losing my husband so suddenly has catapulted me into mine.
I will never be the same woman that I was before My Devan left this place. I am evolving, elevating into who I was created to be. The real Kimberly Nicole Johnson has now surfaced and she was here all along. As painful as it is for me to get up and get going each day I choose to do so knowing that my life has a purpose and just like my husband did I will trust GOD with his will for my life.
In the words of My Devan “everyday that GOD wakes you up, do something productive with your life”
I never imagined living my life without My Devan, yet; here I am and my husband would be saddened if I gave up now. I didn’t beat breast cancer to stay the same. And now walking in this grief each moment of the day is actually showing me who I am and what I am capable of.
Again, I am not going to pretend that its easy because it isn’t! However, I have chosen to go through so I can get through and I will do that by taking one step at a time. I hope to encourage others who are walking in grief to just move at your own pace “Moment by Moment”
~Kimberly Nicole Johnson~