Image result

All I hear from everyone is “of course this is hard it is the first without him”.  Which is SOOOO true.   However I feel like it minimizes the struggles after the 1st.  I feel like people think once you get through the “firsts” that everything will be better.   As I am coming up on the year mark since I lost Pat all I can think is how do I go on to year Two?  How do I go on with life?

In year one it seems that everything stands still.  The 9 months since I lost him are a blur.  I sometimes think that it has only been a few days. When I refer to something him and I did together I say me and Pat did that a couple of months ago.  When In reality it has been a year or longer.    I sit in disbelief some days when the realization hits me it has been 9 months since he was here with me.

I know people mean well when they talk about the first being hard.  I just wish everyone would realize that I am afraid of the “second’s. I feel that the 2nd year is when life actually moves on without him.  I think the fog lifts and life goes on.  Decisions will be made and changes in life that he will not have anything to do with. I will meet people that never knew me as an us (me and Pat) just as a me.   I feel the 1st year is still about us.  Me and him and the life we created together.  That the 2nd will be about me and how I move on in life without him. As I move closer to the year mark and going into year 2 I am trying to move forward with courage and strength because right now I feel frozen in place.  I am scared to take the next steps without him.

As I get closer to the inevitable 2nd’s I pray for the strength it will take to move on.  I will always take him with me in my heart as the decisions and changes come about.   As my life changes into something that was not what I planned for.  A life without Pat.  A life that has changed from a me and Pat “US” to just a me.


Eileen Clarke is an average everyday woman whose life was torn apart on November 2, 2017 with the sudden loss of her husband Patrick (Pat).

She is now in the process of taking a journey that she never asked for but must take nonetheless. Her hope that in sharing her journey she may be able to help other woman as she embarks on her own unplanned journey of grief and rebuilding.