All I hear from everyone is “of course this is hard it is the first without him”. Which is SOOOO true. However I feel like it minimizes the struggles after the 1st. I feel like people think once you get through the “firsts” that everything will be better. As I am coming up on the year mark since I lost Pat all I can think is how do I go on to year Two? How do I go on with life?
In year one it seems that everything stands still. The 9 months since I lost him are a blur. I sometimes think that it has only been a few days. When I refer to something him and I did together I say me and Pat did that a couple of months ago. When In reality it has been a year or longer. I sit in disbelief some days when the realization hits me it has been 9 months since he was here with me.
I know people mean well when they talk about the first being hard. I just wish everyone would realize that I am afraid of the “second’s. I feel that the 2nd year is when life actually moves on without him. I think the fog lifts and life goes on. Decisions will be made and changes in life that he will not have anything to do with. I will meet people that never knew me as an us (me and Pat) just as a me. I feel the 1st year is still about us. Me and him and the life we created together. That the 2nd will be about me and how I move on in life without him. As I move closer to the year mark and going into year 2 I am trying to move forward with courage and strength because right now I feel frozen in place. I am scared to take the next steps without him.
As I get closer to the inevitable 2nd’s I pray for the strength it will take to move on. I will always take him with me in my heart as the decisions and changes come about. As my life changes into something that was not what I planned for. A life without Pat. A life that has changed from a me and Pat “US” to just a me.