I have written previously about how after losing Pat i was in a fog. I am sure most of you know what i am talking about. It is never more noticeable than when you start waking up to life. When the fog lifts and you start realizing you are living without him. All of a sudden i started realizing my routines have changed. The way Pat and I did things slowly morphed into a routine that was just me. I don’t know when the shift happened but i am starting to see that somewhere during that fog things shifted.
There are days I wake up amazed that I made it this far, that I am actually living in spite of those many, many thoughts over the year that told me it was impossible to go on. Other days I wake up sad that I have made new routines and new memories and new plans without him, most times not even realizing I was doing it. It just happens. Each day I wake up and go to work and go to dinner or travel I am forging a new life even if I didn’t want to. It just happens. Even though these things were all done during the fog where I couldn’t see my life ahead they were apart of creating this new life. A life with the memory of Pat but not him physically here with me.
It is scary to move forward in life when you can’t see through the fog but I guess as scary as it is life moves forward and drags you along even if you do not realize it or want it. As much as I didn’t want to create a new life without Pat it just started happening. I still have days I expect him to walk through the door and kiss me hello and ask how my day was and there are other days that is seems so very long ago since that happened.
So no matter how scary it is or how much I did not want to create a new life without him it is happening. I am doing my best to move forward and create a good life while always keeping Pat’s memory alive on my journey.