Over a year out from my loss i see how difficult it is to move on. I have a new awareness to my loss that i was not able to see before. I think it is an automatic response to a major loss that our minds protect us by creating a fog in order to survive in the beginning. I have been living up to this point but more in survival mode then anything. I go through the motions of everyday life and do all the things that i should but i have not really looked past today.
I know this is the way we are suppose to live but it is not something that i am used to . I have always been a planner. I have always been the person that is looking to the future so is it so difficult for me to not think past today.
While researching ways to reduce stress one of things that is mentioned often is living in the Now or Mindfulness. That has not been one of my strong points in life but the loss of Pat seems to have thrown me into that way of living. I have not had a choice in this as looking past today seems to bring on anxiety that is too difficult to live with.
I have heard so much about the grief waves and i can attest that in the beginning the waves come at a constant pace with barely any time to breathe in between. Now they seem to hit most often when i start to think past today and plan a future. It is then that reality hits me and i come face to face with the knowledge that it is not the future i had planned. It’s in these moments that i am brought to my knees gasping for breath. When I realize that i still am not able to think about a future without Pat.
When this happens i hold on tight and try to float until the wave subsides and it seems when it does i find myself back in living only for today where it is safe. I feel safe and secure when i am in this space in my mind. I guess that is why practicing mindfulness is all the new rage – it works- it helps reduce stress and anxiety.
I know at some point i have to look to the future at least a little bit – that is the way i am used to living. But until the, i am going to continue to practice Mindfulness and living in the Now even if it came to me out of necessity.