I have struggled to write for some time now. I do not know why really, because every time that I do, it feels like I have exhaled. I makes me feel ok. Writing makes me feel like he hears me, or that whatever is happening in my crazy head of mine, feels normal again. I think there have been so many things bottled up for a while now, that I just do not know where to begin….
My life is so busy, all the time. I am a busy real estate agent, I have an 11 year old that just started middle school, is deep in soccer tournaments that are taking me to a different state every few weeks, I have a 19 year old that moved out a few months ago, and it navigating the realities of life and needs me to guide him constantly. My boyfriend moved in a few months ago too, and I am building my relationship with his 3 children who are 18, 19 and 26. I constantly have meeting, a house tour, a contract, middle school homework, soccer practice,….dinner. I need to take a breath. I need to exhale.
I lost Jerry 2 ½ years ago, 8 weeks after a diagnosis that we never saw coming. A healthy 45 man was told that he would not be cured of this cancer, and that we could “try the treatments to see what it can do for his body” It was a whirlwind of just trying to catch up with what we needed to do next. Before I knew it, he was in the ICU and I needed to decided to take him off all support. It feels like a long time ago, yet I remember so many vivid details of that time as if it was yesterday.
Since then I have not stopped. I have not stopped trying to survive, to make all the RIGHT decisions for my kids and myself. How do I take care of them when he made all the money? How do I teach them about becoming a man when I am not their dad? How will I know if what I am doing is ok for them? Is it ok to have another man in their life now, is it too soon? I question everything that I do and every action that I take. I need to exhale…..
I have learned so much about myself in these past few years and I have met other widows that I give advice too, but find that I don’t always take that advice myself. You need to find time, even if it is just a few minutes to breathe. To be in the moment of your breath and let go of all of the thoughts in your head. Don’t worry about dinner time or soccer practice for a MOMENT, just breathe. All of your responsibilities will still be there but taking a moment to yourself can restart your day. It can help push you through the next decision.
Last week I found myself needed this moment desperately. I put on my leggings, and my sneakers, headphones in my ears, and just walked for 45 minutes around my neighborhood. I blasted music, fun music that would not make me sad. I tried not to think about anything but the beat of the song and the steps in my walk. I came back refreshed and ready for the day. I need to do this more often. It may not be done in the same way each time but I found a way to take a moment to exhale.
Please take care of yourself ladies. Much love <3